BASEBALL IN 2039.

It is the year 2039 - the bi-centennial of the origin of baseball by Abner Doubleday. Some things have changed - some have remained the same.

Major League Baseball has complete anti-trust protection. The Commissioner presently serves as a member of the Board of Directors for the top three richest baseball teams.

The World Series is now played each year in the Met's new stadium, which is located on what was previously the site of St. Patrick Cathedral.

ACLU discovered some obscure Separation of Church and State law about New York Landmarks. The commissioner's brother-in-law bought the property the next day. ACLU is on the fast track for naming rights. And, oh, the Pirates still have not had a winning season in 46 years.

Blue collar Pittsburgh fans, now convinced the Commisioners office would never help, got together with "The Brotherhoods Of Everything" and the unions shut down all Nutting business holdings - currently and ironically spread over "46" states.

The Pirates owner agreed to a firesale of the team to the citizens. He also agreed to pay off stadium mortage loan #3 which he had insisted in 2030 was the only way to rebuild their minor league system.

The Pirates had become entirely owned by the fans including all major and minor league players. They also had decision making rights previously held by "The Holy Trinity Managment Group"
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In recognition of Pittsburgh's reputation as the "transfat capital of the world", they wisely purchased concession rights also. Every Tuesday was designated as " Half-Price Pierogi Day".

Despite all this, the citizens recognized they still needed a 21st century Ralph Kiner to keep people in their seats through the bottom of the 9th.

They decided to attempt to purchase the contract of outfielder Herb Goldberg from the N.Y. Yankees. Herb, a rookie sensation, hailed from North Dakota but decided to make a career change early in his life, following that whole mess about the public lynchings in Fargo.

In his first and only season in The Yankee's minor leagues he hit .556, drove in 194 RBI's, and struck 125 homers. The Yankees could not bring him up as they had no room on their roster.

He never played in New York. It seems Herb had a violent allergic reaction to "smut". He therefore could not ride the New York subways, now the only way to reach their stadium. Governor Cuomo, in his 12th term, had transformed all the streets to pedestrian malls and attractive parklets. Both tunnels were now closed to vehicular traffic and had subways running through them.

An offer of helicopter pick-up by the Yankees was turned down by Herb due to a fear of heights . He declared himself a free agent with rights similar to a number one hockey pick. Due to a pending investigation of the St. Patrick's deal, the Commissioner agreed.

Pittsburgh won the Herb lottery but his asking price was 500 million dollars, slightly more than the last repaving of the The Fort Pitt Tunnels.

The citizens baseball finance committee was desperate and tried to identify the most valuable product they could sell to raise money. In a unanimous decision they gave The Greek Orthdox Church and The Pirate Parrot exclusive rights to hold weekly Baklava caravan sales to citizens in all contiguous counties.

No other sales of the pastry were to be allowed for one year. (as expected, there were black market pastries available: $20 for a "Bak", and $15 for a Lava - which was nutless.)

Hundreds of Pittsburgh women with Greek ancestry - all dressed in black dresses - worked night and day baking the pastries and raised the largest part of the $500 million needed.

Herb was everything the Pirate citizen owners could have expected. He led the league in all batting categories. Their record was 50 and 1. The only game they lost was on the day he was not in the lineup. He had inadvertently swallowed a seed from a Farkleberry Tart that had been left on the training table & was resting in Presby.

Herb was truly famous. Gambling was now legal everywhere in the Commonwealth. Beserk citizens, before agreeing to pay their dry cleaning bills, insisted on a coin toss with the merchants, most of whom were willing to go "best 3 out of 5", due to competetion.

Sadly, the BOOG (Brotherly Order of Gamblers) made Herb a ridiculous "under the counter" offer if he would agree to throw games. Herb, who knew you only had so many years of major league baseball in you, accepted both quickly and quietly.

Immediately, the Pirates fell into a prolonged slump, had a record of 60 and 75 and were at risk of having one more losing season. Even Mayor Collier was upset, as he had taken "the over".

The citizens were now highly suspicious and decided to question Herb at a televised meeting on WQED during their bi-weekly fund raiser.

Herb was amazed at the anger of the crowd who were yelling at the top of their lungs, standing on their seats, chewing their brauts, dripping kraut juice on the floor, and wiping their mouths on their sleeves.

The Mayor finally stood up and said: "Look Herb, you were our last hope. - our savior - our personal representative - someone we knew who would reward us for our confidence in you.

We gave you every cent we could raise and campaigned all through Western Pennsylvania for you. Our children went door to door carrying "Help Us Get Herb" buckets. And now, you've ignored us and the needs of our citizens because the "BOOG" gave you more money? We don't understand. How could you do this?"

Herb looked at them, shook his head, and said softly, "Did you forget I was a young Congressman back in North Dakota, before I decided to become a baseball player?"