Did you ever wonder why when you deposit a goverment tax refund check - not a personal check from a guy who lost a bar bet- not a payroll check - not a bonus check from Sam's - but a genuine US Government Tax Refund check - you are allowed to use only $200 - and have to wait for two or three days for the money to be available to you?
Did you ever wonder why Wall Street can borrow money at less than a 1% interest rate but your college kid has to pay through the nose for both college tuition and the student loan fee to take those required courses on credit?
Did you ever wonder then how Wall Street has the guts to decry the quality of the education our kids are receiving?
Did you ever wonder how many families actually make their college choice determination based solely on the schools athletic budget and win/loss record?
If the number or percentage for the last question is low - did you ever wonder why so many schools are putting so much of their tuition money into athletics
and so little into devising a plan for inexpensive quality education?
Did you ever wonder then how these college administrators can stand - with a straight face - and claim they are an academic institution first and foremost?
Did you ever wonder if only 1/2 of those putrifying Supreme Court supported political attack TV ads for each party's chosen candidates you're seeing daily - if not hourly - were true - why in the name of God did each party assume this was their best candidate choice?
Did you ever wonder when a candidate you supported and voted for, turned into 'the serpent in the garden" after the election, if this wasn't some sort of twist on "The Devil & Daniel Webster" or, for you sports fans, "Damn Yankees"?
Did you ever wonder what in 'hell' happened to these people whom you trusted?
Did you ever wonder why a nice guy - who happens to like writing a blog - intentionally chose to start off his week this way - particularly after hearing all the good news in church the previous one?
Did you ever wonder if the answer to all the questions is the same?
Monday, March 10, 2014
Saturday, March 8, 2014
TO MY GRANDKIDS - READING SMARTLY
As a kid I read a lot - and was alleged to have the reading skills of male classmates 4 or 5 grades higher - most of whom at my age and size - appeared to be Cro-Magnum - not really serious readers.
Despite this, I didn't particularly enjoy the reading comprehension tests I had to take in school.
I read fast - but not always SMARTLY. That may or may not have been because I was A.D.D - a diagnosis almost unheard of at that time - but popular as you guys may have wrestled with schoolwork.
Regardless, I didn't score particularly well on this type of test and overall was not a great student back then.
However, for some reason or other - when I got old and fat - I found I was better than "the average bear" at things like trivia contests. It seems that now I could recall some of the more obscure facts that my teachers back then were desperately trying to pound into my thick Irish skill.
I guess I wasn't on a 7 second delay in school. It was more like a 60 to 70 year delay.
So, what does this have to do with you? Well, I concluded some time ago you're all fairly bright, (and funny too) but some of you may be better students than others.
Like your Pap that may be due to many reasons - lack of comprehension, too many distractions - a dearth of interest in non-fiction reading, or simply the overdeveloped ability you have to con your parents.
Hopefully, I may have come up with something that might improve your reading skills - or at least your reading comprehension - if you're interested.
I saw this headline recently - along with a picture of Barbara Bush - our former First Lady: "Bush literacy program marks 25th year". I then remarked to Grandma Phyllis, "She otter be pretty well learned by now."
Silly? Perhaps. But, the message is you can have fun with headlines, peoples' opinions, prejudices etc if you just take the time to think about what you're reading; and what it's not saying, as well as what it's trying to convince you.
Take this seemingly innoculous article dated March 6 and captioned "Consumers plan to spend less eating out."
So,what does "spend less" mean? Are they going to increase their mooching off friends and family in order to get a free meal but eat just as often?
Perhaps, in a tough economy, it could mean the female population has decided to go out to dinner with the truly ugly dudes who they conclude will spend almost anything if they think they're going to get lucky - and they know they can run faster than them.
If the answer to "spend less" is frugality maybe they're going to "eat" the same but not include the tax on the bill when they tip? Hey, it's possible. Who knows?
Maybe we should consider their responses at the time of this survey taken back in January (but not reported on until March) were strictly based on their New Years diet and exercise resolutions back then. Don't know about you, but by March, I've deep-sixed most of mine.
I'm glad I decided to check and see when the survey was taken.
In addition, I asked myself after seeing the headline : "Is it less money - or less time they're planning on spending - or both?" What's the incentive?
The answer is we don't really know - so we read further down the article where it tells us that based on their survey of 1,046 adults - conducted two months ago - people are allegedly going to spend 9.1% less on restaurant meals.
The article reinforces it's conclusion by telling us nearly 3 in 10 consumers surveyed said they expect to spend less. You, being a smart nerd, realize that means 7 in 10 do not. As a matter of fact 59% expect to spend about the same.
Now, let me ask you, if the headline stated "59% of consumers expect to spend the same amount this year in restaurants", would you have even read one line more?
As a matter of fact are you wondering now why you bothered to read this far down the blog?
Okay, quickly then.
The idea of the article was to get our attention - and in my case it must have worked - because I'm writing about it in a blog!
However, the truth of the matter is revealed at the bottom of the article:
(1) "In past years, however, consumers actual spending has not always mirrored their intent."
(2) The National Restaurant Association executives - while cautious - are projecting restaurant industry sales will "grow" 3.6% this year. Hey, who knew?
A final question: Does that include fast food chains? Smaller portions?
Trust me, you can have some fun with this.
Despite this, I didn't particularly enjoy the reading comprehension tests I had to take in school.
I read fast - but not always SMARTLY. That may or may not have been because I was A.D.D - a diagnosis almost unheard of at that time - but popular as you guys may have wrestled with schoolwork.
Regardless, I didn't score particularly well on this type of test and overall was not a great student back then.
However, for some reason or other - when I got old and fat - I found I was better than "the average bear" at things like trivia contests. It seems that now I could recall some of the more obscure facts that my teachers back then were desperately trying to pound into my thick Irish skill.
I guess I wasn't on a 7 second delay in school. It was more like a 60 to 70 year delay.
So, what does this have to do with you? Well, I concluded some time ago you're all fairly bright, (and funny too) but some of you may be better students than others.
Like your Pap that may be due to many reasons - lack of comprehension, too many distractions - a dearth of interest in non-fiction reading, or simply the overdeveloped ability you have to con your parents.
Hopefully, I may have come up with something that might improve your reading skills - or at least your reading comprehension - if you're interested.
I saw this headline recently - along with a picture of Barbara Bush - our former First Lady: "Bush literacy program marks 25th year". I then remarked to Grandma Phyllis, "She otter be pretty well learned by now."
Silly? Perhaps. But, the message is you can have fun with headlines, peoples' opinions, prejudices etc if you just take the time to think about what you're reading; and what it's not saying, as well as what it's trying to convince you.
Take this seemingly innoculous article dated March 6 and captioned "Consumers plan to spend less eating out."
So,what does "spend less" mean? Are they going to increase their mooching off friends and family in order to get a free meal but eat just as often?
Perhaps, in a tough economy, it could mean the female population has decided to go out to dinner with the truly ugly dudes who they conclude will spend almost anything if they think they're going to get lucky - and they know they can run faster than them.
If the answer to "spend less" is frugality maybe they're going to "eat" the same but not include the tax on the bill when they tip? Hey, it's possible. Who knows?
Maybe we should consider their responses at the time of this survey taken back in January (but not reported on until March) were strictly based on their New Years diet and exercise resolutions back then. Don't know about you, but by March, I've deep-sixed most of mine.
I'm glad I decided to check and see when the survey was taken.
In addition, I asked myself after seeing the headline : "Is it less money - or less time they're planning on spending - or both?" What's the incentive?
The answer is we don't really know - so we read further down the article where it tells us that based on their survey of 1,046 adults - conducted two months ago - people are allegedly going to spend 9.1% less on restaurant meals.
The article reinforces it's conclusion by telling us nearly 3 in 10 consumers surveyed said they expect to spend less. You, being a smart nerd, realize that means 7 in 10 do not. As a matter of fact 59% expect to spend about the same.
Now, let me ask you, if the headline stated "59% of consumers expect to spend the same amount this year in restaurants", would you have even read one line more?
As a matter of fact are you wondering now why you bothered to read this far down the blog?
Okay, quickly then.
The idea of the article was to get our attention - and in my case it must have worked - because I'm writing about it in a blog!
However, the truth of the matter is revealed at the bottom of the article:
(1) "In past years, however, consumers actual spending has not always mirrored their intent."
(2) The National Restaurant Association executives - while cautious - are projecting restaurant industry sales will "grow" 3.6% this year. Hey, who knew?
A final question: Does that include fast food chains? Smaller portions?
Trust me, you can have some fun with this.
Friday, March 7, 2014
DOES ANYBODY GO TO NEW JERSEY ON PURPOSE?
The problems of the Republican party and the bickering within are well documented. The musical theme at the next GOP convention should be "Send In The Clowns".
But, just when the clouds are the darkest, along comes this obese guy from New Jersey with the goofy smile, that kind of droops over the corners of his mouth, and we registered Republicans say, "Eurkea" - or something like that.
I mean, here Governor Christie is depicted in several photos after Hurricane Sandy with his arm drooped over the shoulder of Darth Vader (excuse me, our President) and all the Libra's in the world - (like me) desperately, but foolishly seeking balance or any sign of bi-partisan movement in the two parties, are clearly encouraged.
Then we have "Tunnelgate" or "Bridgegate" or "Lanegate " or whatever suffix is politically du jour and on the surface it appears to suggest we chose wrong again. However, the verdict is still out on that one but if overeating is still an appropriate response to controversy - there goes the Governors' diet.
But, "fear not" gentle readers, New Jersey is sure to come up with something else - if we're just patient enough to wait. This time it was Rutgers University who came to New Jersey's reputation rescue.
The student newspaper and (allegedly) several members of the faculty have decided that Condalessa Rice is too "controversial" to be their commencement speaker this year.
C'mon, "controversy" was born and raised in New Jersey. Ask the many Jersey politicians now in jail or under house arrest because they negotiated one helluva plea bargain. Heck, ask anybody who has attempted to drive there.
There is one bright spot with Rutgers - it has a fine drama department - or did - and I've enjoyed some great theater there, as well as at Princeton courtesy of a great family who live there.
However, with great drama comes a lot of those whom we used to call "dramats" back when Carnegic Tech (nee Mellon) was graduating them in busloads during the 40's and 50's. They tended to be fun but a little "over the top".
And like the Nat King Cole and Sammy Davis Jr. "allegiance defenses" we used back then when accused of being racially prejudiced, I quickly submit that some "of my best friends" and most admired individuals were heavily involved in the theater.
I have no clue what percentage of the Rice protesters are theater graduates. I choose, instead, to conclude that the protesters are just kids being kids.
Rumor has it even I was once a kid back in the day.
What I struggle with is how far students and faculty have strayed from those "black is beautiful" days.
I can recall that if you were black - and invited to speak at a campus in the north - it was pretty much guaranteed you would have had the support of both groups.
And, trust me, I'm not speaking about "Uncle Tom's"
Ms. Rice is rumored to be a person of color - in addition to a fine pianist - successful diplomat and, our former Secretary Of State, as well as the first black female in that role. I seem to think that qualifies her as a good choice.
Besides, she's a decent golfer, based on what I've heard.
Nowadays, it appears that political goose stepping has usurped a need for the continued pursuit and support of civil rights recognition in the college community.
I fault both parties for this development.
Only time will tell if another Rice - from a different political party - will someday receive a well supported invitation to be a Rutgers graduate speaker.
Thank God they've let Cape May alone.
But, just when the clouds are the darkest, along comes this obese guy from New Jersey with the goofy smile, that kind of droops over the corners of his mouth, and we registered Republicans say, "Eurkea" - or something like that.
I mean, here Governor Christie is depicted in several photos after Hurricane Sandy with his arm drooped over the shoulder of Darth Vader (excuse me, our President) and all the Libra's in the world - (like me) desperately, but foolishly seeking balance or any sign of bi-partisan movement in the two parties, are clearly encouraged.
Then we have "Tunnelgate" or "Bridgegate" or "Lanegate " or whatever suffix is politically du jour and on the surface it appears to suggest we chose wrong again. However, the verdict is still out on that one but if overeating is still an appropriate response to controversy - there goes the Governors' diet.
But, "fear not" gentle readers, New Jersey is sure to come up with something else - if we're just patient enough to wait. This time it was Rutgers University who came to New Jersey's reputation rescue.
The student newspaper and (allegedly) several members of the faculty have decided that Condalessa Rice is too "controversial" to be their commencement speaker this year.
C'mon, "controversy" was born and raised in New Jersey. Ask the many Jersey politicians now in jail or under house arrest because they negotiated one helluva plea bargain. Heck, ask anybody who has attempted to drive there.
There is one bright spot with Rutgers - it has a fine drama department - or did - and I've enjoyed some great theater there, as well as at Princeton courtesy of a great family who live there.
However, with great drama comes a lot of those whom we used to call "dramats" back when Carnegic Tech (nee Mellon) was graduating them in busloads during the 40's and 50's. They tended to be fun but a little "over the top".
And like the Nat King Cole and Sammy Davis Jr. "allegiance defenses" we used back then when accused of being racially prejudiced, I quickly submit that some "of my best friends" and most admired individuals were heavily involved in the theater.
I have no clue what percentage of the Rice protesters are theater graduates. I choose, instead, to conclude that the protesters are just kids being kids.
Rumor has it even I was once a kid back in the day.
What I struggle with is how far students and faculty have strayed from those "black is beautiful" days.
I can recall that if you were black - and invited to speak at a campus in the north - it was pretty much guaranteed you would have had the support of both groups.
And, trust me, I'm not speaking about "Uncle Tom's"
Ms. Rice is rumored to be a person of color - in addition to a fine pianist - successful diplomat and, our former Secretary Of State, as well as the first black female in that role. I seem to think that qualifies her as a good choice.
Besides, she's a decent golfer, based on what I've heard.
Nowadays, it appears that political goose stepping has usurped a need for the continued pursuit and support of civil rights recognition in the college community.
I fault both parties for this development.
Only time will tell if another Rice - from a different political party - will someday receive a well supported invitation to be a Rutgers graduate speaker.
Thank God they've let Cape May alone.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
QUOTABLES
From time to time I gather my favorite quotes. Here are a few.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Happiness: Money can't but it, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office - Aesop
Guidance for St. Paddy's Day: Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
The cardiologists diet: If it tastes good - spit it out!
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other - Oscar Ameringer.
I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.
Have a good one.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Happiness: Money can't but it, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office - Aesop
Guidance for St. Paddy's Day: Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
The cardiologists diet: If it tastes good - spit it out!
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other - Oscar Ameringer.
I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.
Have a good one.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
"YES I KNOW, THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO"
You may recall the story about actor W.C. Fields, a noted atheist, who was seen by his biographer, Gene Fowler, reading the bible on his death bed. The amazed Fowler questioned him about the reason for his apparent philosophical change.
.
W.C replied he was "looking for loopholes".
In possible similar fashion I have somewhat modified my reading habits..
I am currently reading and struggling with a book entitled "The Story" - The Bible as one continuing story of God and his people.
In my haste to purchase the book for the worldy sum of five bucks, I missed the small print: "Selections from the King James Version." - which to me is a lot like reading unexpurgated Shakespeare.
So far I'm still in the Old Testament and have almost made it through Genesis - I think.
This is the first time I've read a sequential version of the Bible since being required to read word for word both the Old and New Testament during my Freshmen year at Grove City College.
Actually, I'm kind of glad I am (sort of) re-reading the Bible (in cliff-notes fashion) as I'm discovering some of what I've read has application to current news issues.
Do not panic dear readers!. Lord forbid as a man I have put aside such childish things as criticizing the emotionally incapacitated and/or morally challenged.
However, this new reading adventure has helped me to reason out something I saw in a newspaper recently regarding the newly elected Mayor of New York, and his desire to banish the horse and carriages that hang out around Central Park in Manhattan - east or west of those tantalizing Sangrias.
These familiar couplings of animal and vehicle are an old tradition.They are also usually a must for most visiting tourists - at least - those who apparently are not members of P.E.T.A. - and presumably still wear leather shoes to get around town. Let me explain.
P.E.T.A's passion for almost any living thing on this earth (okay, maybe not humans) can sometimes make my blood boil for a couple of reasons.
Take one apparent ardent supporter of the Mayor who appears to be a P.E.T.A "wannabe". He argues that "carriage horses working the streets with motor vehicles, puts them in harms way for nine hours a day".
(My reading comprehensions skills have decreased drastically since my college days. At first, I thought he was talking about hookers - not hoofers)
He then claims "because horses can become dangerous when they spook and run frantically down busy streets, they pose a hazard to us. No amount of regulation can stop a horse from spooking!"
But, that wasn't enough. Like most P.E.T.A supporters, this guy " was on a roll" and quickly switched from "cognitive" to "affect", in, well, a "New York minute".
He continues: "Denying horses the chance to graze freely every day is inhumane. Without a pasture, they are unable to fulfill their most basic instincts. Our country was built on the backs of horses. It's time we reciprocate by taking them off of NYC's inhospitable streets and giving them a humane retirement".
So what's his next cause - you might well ask? Will it be to also ban bicycle messengers, recreational bicyclists, and pedestrians who, from what I've read, seem to suffer the same traffic problems as horses.
But you see, a supposition of that nature would suggest this (supposed) P.E.T.A guy is as concerned about human beings as he is about animals. I am saddened to report that, quite often,when you question such an individual a little further. you learn that's not the case.
Fortunately, humanity is not without it's supporters.
A second quote in the article regarding the horsey/carriage matter appeared in opposition to that you've just read.
"A whole lot of people have lived apart from animals for so long that they've forgotten that animals are not 'differently shaped' people. Or, even if they are, people don't even want to stand around, purposeless, all day. Why would a horse?"
She continues. "The horses have been shaped for eons to move many miles in a day, with the friendship and security of a leader. They're in that job because they enjoy it and they're particularly suited for it, unlike any other species on earth."
(Nathan Detroit would have loved this "dame' and not just for her alleged "horse sense".)
However, my non-partial agreement with her view is because of something I just read in "The Story" (P2)
"And God said, let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth, and it was so. And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and everything that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good."
Maybe, I'm making too big an assumption here; but whether you're a creativity sort of guy or an evolutionist, it doesn't sound like horses, cattle, and even the creeping things were ever meant to be humans.
My read here is that unless one of those carriage horses was named "Mr. Ed" - I'm not sure whether either the guy or the gal truly know what horses want out of life.
Is it their desire to pull a carriage for food and board - a hot bath - a good combing every once in a while - the enjoyment of their leader, the right to crap on the street without receiving a ticket - or, is it their design to just hang out in the pasture fulfilling their basic instincts - whatever that might be?.
But, then again, what do I know? Maybe the answer is in the New Testament.
I do know I'm a little concerned about the creepy things.
.
W.C replied he was "looking for loopholes".
In possible similar fashion I have somewhat modified my reading habits..
I am currently reading and struggling with a book entitled "The Story" - The Bible as one continuing story of God and his people.
In my haste to purchase the book for the worldy sum of five bucks, I missed the small print: "Selections from the King James Version." - which to me is a lot like reading unexpurgated Shakespeare.
So far I'm still in the Old Testament and have almost made it through Genesis - I think.
This is the first time I've read a sequential version of the Bible since being required to read word for word both the Old and New Testament during my Freshmen year at Grove City College.
Actually, I'm kind of glad I am (sort of) re-reading the Bible (in cliff-notes fashion) as I'm discovering some of what I've read has application to current news issues.
Do not panic dear readers!. Lord forbid as a man I have put aside such childish things as criticizing the emotionally incapacitated and/or morally challenged.
However, this new reading adventure has helped me to reason out something I saw in a newspaper recently regarding the newly elected Mayor of New York, and his desire to banish the horse and carriages that hang out around Central Park in Manhattan - east or west of those tantalizing Sangrias.
These familiar couplings of animal and vehicle are an old tradition.They are also usually a must for most visiting tourists - at least - those who apparently are not members of P.E.T.A. - and presumably still wear leather shoes to get around town. Let me explain.
P.E.T.A's passion for almost any living thing on this earth (okay, maybe not humans) can sometimes make my blood boil for a couple of reasons.
Take one apparent ardent supporter of the Mayor who appears to be a P.E.T.A "wannabe". He argues that "carriage horses working the streets with motor vehicles, puts them in harms way for nine hours a day".
(My reading comprehensions skills have decreased drastically since my college days. At first, I thought he was talking about hookers - not hoofers)
He then claims "because horses can become dangerous when they spook and run frantically down busy streets, they pose a hazard to us. No amount of regulation can stop a horse from spooking!"
But, that wasn't enough. Like most P.E.T.A supporters, this guy " was on a roll" and quickly switched from "cognitive" to "affect", in, well, a "New York minute".
He continues: "Denying horses the chance to graze freely every day is inhumane. Without a pasture, they are unable to fulfill their most basic instincts. Our country was built on the backs of horses. It's time we reciprocate by taking them off of NYC's inhospitable streets and giving them a humane retirement".
So what's his next cause - you might well ask? Will it be to also ban bicycle messengers, recreational bicyclists, and pedestrians who, from what I've read, seem to suffer the same traffic problems as horses.
But you see, a supposition of that nature would suggest this (supposed) P.E.T.A guy is as concerned about human beings as he is about animals. I am saddened to report that, quite often,when you question such an individual a little further. you learn that's not the case.
Fortunately, humanity is not without it's supporters.
A second quote in the article regarding the horsey/carriage matter appeared in opposition to that you've just read.
"A whole lot of people have lived apart from animals for so long that they've forgotten that animals are not 'differently shaped' people. Or, even if they are, people don't even want to stand around, purposeless, all day. Why would a horse?"
She continues. "The horses have been shaped for eons to move many miles in a day, with the friendship and security of a leader. They're in that job because they enjoy it and they're particularly suited for it, unlike any other species on earth."
(Nathan Detroit would have loved this "dame' and not just for her alleged "horse sense".)
However, my non-partial agreement with her view is because of something I just read in "The Story" (P2)
"And God said, let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth, and it was so. And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and everything that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good."
Maybe, I'm making too big an assumption here; but whether you're a creativity sort of guy or an evolutionist, it doesn't sound like horses, cattle, and even the creeping things were ever meant to be humans.
My read here is that unless one of those carriage horses was named "Mr. Ed" - I'm not sure whether either the guy or the gal truly know what horses want out of life.
Is it their desire to pull a carriage for food and board - a hot bath - a good combing every once in a while - the enjoyment of their leader, the right to crap on the street without receiving a ticket - or, is it their design to just hang out in the pasture fulfilling their basic instincts - whatever that might be?.
But, then again, what do I know? Maybe the answer is in the New Testament.
I do know I'm a little concerned about the creepy things.
SURVIVOR - 2014
In the spirit of the Olympics I would like to share my recent victory in a difficult competetion. The game was entitled "find the newspaper this time, sucker dude!"
It started in mid-December when I decided not to fill out - nor return - the self-addressed envelope and note tucked away in my morning newspaper, and signed "Jesus."
Immediately, I became suspicious.
My reason for declining to join this, heretofore, unknown tradition was that by the end of the year my spirit of giving had reached the point of diminishing return.
I reasoned, "Where will it all end? Will that 80+ year old female bagger from our local super market, who insists on helping me out to the car regardless of the size of my groceries, be my next adversary?
Yeah, I know she verbalizes her agreement with the stores' policy to decline all tips. But, will I someday get home and find another personal envelope tucked between my broccoli and portabella musrooms?
It was obvious to me that my newspaper carrier disagreed with my decision.
Soon I discovered the early morning delivery location of my newspaper was under the car, onto my neighbors driveway (on both sides of the street) - atop the carport - behind the front and side bushes, and a few times pitched into that little "well space" hidden from view between the house and the front steps.
His clever tactics included depositing it in the middle of my wife's prize fern and once, deep inside the blue recyclable containers.
The battle was now on.
I began my strategy by hiding out in the well space with my prized Hopalong Cassidy decaf coffee thermos while clutching my oversized soaker gun filled with grape Kool-Aid.
Unfortunately, the first night I fell asleep - dropped the thermos - leaving a milk stain on the concrete right beside the purple one from my leaky water gun. To make matters worse, a passing bird pooped on my uncovered head during my time of repose.
I have no idea where the delivery guy was hiding during my guerrila preparation period, but I was saddened to note my newspaper was now resting in the corner behind me when I awoke.
I gave up the tactic of engaging in field combat and moved my operation indoors. Soon I tired of staring out the kitchen window searching for almost non-existant early morning traffic and retired to the bedroom.
Each morning for almost three weeks the results were the same - until one morning the carrier guy obviously tired of the game and decided to cut me some slack.
It was right before Superbowl on a very windy morning. I didn't have to search for my paper. The delivery dude had thoughtfully impaled the sports pages - with the remaining three sections tucked inside - onto the rear antennae of my car - so I would not miss the latest attempt of the sports media to canonize Peyton Manning.
Now, I don't like to brag, but this old Irishman knows capitulation when he sees it.
However, it is not like me to lord my victories over my opponent. So that night I retrieved his envelope - placed a twenty dollar bill inside - and placed the envelope in the exact same location as that mornings sports pages.
I will sum my blog up with two quotes I see as appropriate to close:
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." - Lao-tsu - Chinese philosopher (604 BC - 531BC).
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - (Walt Kelly's "Pogo" - (Earth Day 1970).
It started in mid-December when I decided not to fill out - nor return - the self-addressed envelope and note tucked away in my morning newspaper, and signed "Jesus."
Immediately, I became suspicious.
My reason for declining to join this, heretofore, unknown tradition was that by the end of the year my spirit of giving had reached the point of diminishing return.
I reasoned, "Where will it all end? Will that 80+ year old female bagger from our local super market, who insists on helping me out to the car regardless of the size of my groceries, be my next adversary?
Yeah, I know she verbalizes her agreement with the stores' policy to decline all tips. But, will I someday get home and find another personal envelope tucked between my broccoli and portabella musrooms?
It was obvious to me that my newspaper carrier disagreed with my decision.
Soon I discovered the early morning delivery location of my newspaper was under the car, onto my neighbors driveway (on both sides of the street) - atop the carport - behind the front and side bushes, and a few times pitched into that little "well space" hidden from view between the house and the front steps.
His clever tactics included depositing it in the middle of my wife's prize fern and once, deep inside the blue recyclable containers.
The battle was now on.
I began my strategy by hiding out in the well space with my prized Hopalong Cassidy decaf coffee thermos while clutching my oversized soaker gun filled with grape Kool-Aid.
Unfortunately, the first night I fell asleep - dropped the thermos - leaving a milk stain on the concrete right beside the purple one from my leaky water gun. To make matters worse, a passing bird pooped on my uncovered head during my time of repose.
I have no idea where the delivery guy was hiding during my guerrila preparation period, but I was saddened to note my newspaper was now resting in the corner behind me when I awoke.
I gave up the tactic of engaging in field combat and moved my operation indoors. Soon I tired of staring out the kitchen window searching for almost non-existant early morning traffic and retired to the bedroom.
Each morning for almost three weeks the results were the same - until one morning the carrier guy obviously tired of the game and decided to cut me some slack.
It was right before Superbowl on a very windy morning. I didn't have to search for my paper. The delivery dude had thoughtfully impaled the sports pages - with the remaining three sections tucked inside - onto the rear antennae of my car - so I would not miss the latest attempt of the sports media to canonize Peyton Manning.
Now, I don't like to brag, but this old Irishman knows capitulation when he sees it.
However, it is not like me to lord my victories over my opponent. So that night I retrieved his envelope - placed a twenty dollar bill inside - and placed the envelope in the exact same location as that mornings sports pages.
I will sum my blog up with two quotes I see as appropriate to close:
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." - Lao-tsu - Chinese philosopher (604 BC - 531BC).
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - (Walt Kelly's "Pogo" - (Earth Day 1970).
THINGS I WISH I HAD KNOWN WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.
Periodically, this "Male Emancipation Proclamation" pops up in one form or another. I chose to delete some observations for brevity and changed a word here and there.
During those days in which I thought I was a sensitive man - only to find I was apparently alone in that belief - I wish I had known these words of wisdom....
How Men Think - Men's Rules:
Men are not mind readers.
Learn to work the toilet seat, you're a big girl. If it's up - put it down. You don't hear us complaining when YOU leave it down.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one - subtle hints do not work - strong hints do not work - obvious hints do not work - just say it!
Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your sister and your girlfriends are for.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you think you're fat - you probably are. Don't ask us.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes
you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit - not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sports or sex.
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I'm sleeping on the couch TONIGHT... but did you know men don't really mind that? It's like camping....
(Actually, for ONE night, the couch is quite Bar - able.)
During those days in which I thought I was a sensitive man - only to find I was apparently alone in that belief - I wish I had known these words of wisdom....
How Men Think - Men's Rules:
Men are not mind readers.
Learn to work the toilet seat, you're a big girl. If it's up - put it down. You don't hear us complaining when YOU leave it down.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one - subtle hints do not work - strong hints do not work - obvious hints do not work - just say it!
Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your sister and your girlfriends are for.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you think you're fat - you probably are. Don't ask us.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes
you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit - not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sports or sex.
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I'm sleeping on the couch TONIGHT... but did you know men don't really mind that? It's like camping....
(Actually, for ONE night, the couch is quite Bar - able.)
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