THINGS I WISH I HAD KNOWN WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.

Periodically, this "Male Emancipation Proclamation" pops up in one form or another. I chose to delete some observations for brevity and changed a word here and there.

During those days in which I thought I was a sensitive man - only to find I was apparently alone in that belief - I wish I had known these words of wisdom....

How Men Think - Men's Rules:

Men are not mind readers.

Learn to work the toilet seat, you're a big girl. If it's up - put it down. You don't hear us complaining when YOU leave it down.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one - subtle hints do not work - strong hints do not work - obvious hints do not work - just say it!

Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your sister and your girlfriends are for.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you think you're fat - you probably are. Don't ask us.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes
you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit - not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sports or sex.

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I'm sleeping on the couch TONIGHT... but did you know men don't really mind that? It's like camping....

(Actually, for ONE night, the couch is quite Bar - able.)