SURVIVOR - 2014

In the spirit of the Olympics I would like to share my recent victory in a difficult competetion. The game was entitled  "find the newspaper this time, sucker dude!"

It started in mid-December when I decided not to fill out - nor return - the self-addressed envelope and note tucked away in my morning newspaper, and signed "Jesus."

Immediately, I  became suspicious.

My reason for declining to join this, heretofore, unknown tradition was that by the end of the year my spirit of giving had reached the point of diminishing return.

I reasoned, "Where will it all end? Will that  80+ year old female bagger from our local super market, who insists on helping me out to the car regardless of the size of my groceries, be my next adversary?

Yeah, I know she verbalizes her agreement with the stores' policy to decline all tips. But, will I someday get home and find another personal envelope tucked between my broccoli and portabella musrooms?

It was obvious to me that my newspaper carrier disagreed with my decision.

Soon I discovered the early morning delivery location of my newspaper was under the car, onto my neighbors driveway (on both sides of the street) - atop the carport - behind the front and side bushes, and a few times pitched into that little "well space" hidden from view between the house and the front steps.

His clever tactics included  depositing it in the middle of my wife's prize fern and once, deep inside the blue recyclable containers.

The battle was now on.

 I began my strategy by hiding out in the well space with my prized Hopalong Cassidy decaf coffee thermos while clutching my oversized soaker gun filled with grape Kool-Aid.

Unfortunately, the first night I fell asleep - dropped the thermos - leaving a milk stain on the concrete right beside the purple one from my leaky water gun. To make matters worse, a passing bird pooped on my uncovered head during my time of repose.

I have no idea where the delivery guy was hiding during my guerrila preparation period, but I was saddened to note my newspaper was now resting in the corner behind me when I awoke.

I gave up the tactic of engaging in field combat and moved my operation indoors. Soon I tired of staring out the kitchen window searching for almost non-existant early morning traffic and retired to the bedroom.

Each morning for almost three weeks the results were the same - until one morning the carrier guy obviously tired of the game and decided to cut me some slack.

It was right before Superbowl on a very windy morning. I didn't have to search for my paper. The delivery dude  had thoughtfully impaled the sports pages - with the remaining three sections tucked inside - onto the rear antennae of my car - so I would not miss the latest attempt of the sports media to canonize Peyton Manning.

Now, I don't like to brag, but this old Irishman knows capitulation when he sees it.

However, it is not like me to lord my victories over my opponent. So that night I retrieved his envelope - placed a twenty dollar bill inside - and placed the envelope in the exact same location as that mornings sports pages.

I will sum my blog up with two quotes I see as appropriate to close:

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." - Lao-tsu - Chinese philosopher (604 BC - 531BC).

"We have met the enemy and he is us." - (Walt Kelly's "Pogo" - (Earth Day 1970).