Something to offend almost everyone

One of my ever growing frustrations is hearing, "I know exactly what you're going through". It is something that friends or neighbors of mourners seem to feel is appropriate. The goal is to make the survivor feel less distraught and also encourage the growth of a community of idiots.

The one saving grace is that the person to whom they are expressing their recognition of grief is usually so overwhelmed by their loss - or tranquilizers - that in their efforts to also respond in a politically correct manner, they fail to recognize how lame this particular condolence is.

This example is not unique to other words we use in our feeble attempt to console others. Often heard are these equally insipid offerings: "This is God's will!" and, my favorite, "This is for the best."

Hopefully, the grieving family members are not atheists or lack jobs that will allow for them to make up for the financial loss they will incur as the deceased passes on to "that great tax collector in the sky".

Even CSI: NY comes up with a better choice, "We're sorry for your loss.", says Detective Stella with the fascinating eyes.

To the south, on CSI:Miami, Horatio says nothing. Horatio, as portrayed by David Caruso. has apparently negotiated a contract forbidding him to accept a weekly script with more than 5 lines- nor to say anything remotely suggesting he has been an "actor" for over 20 years.

Anyway, do we really see our comforting skills improving down the road?

Assuming that members of the next generation still go to funeral homes - or that funeral homes will continue to exist - the reality is that more and more people are choosing to go out as "crispy critters" (including yours truly). So, what will these already etiquette challenged kids come up with if forced to enter a funeral home?

Seriously, try to imagine what our youth will say to parents of a child who has died at the hands of a drive-by shooter - or was texting the entire lyrcs of a Lady Gaga song while driving ?

Chances are it will not be , "They've gone to a better place".

Besides, recent studies have demonstrated teens are getting less involved in church groups (only 30%) and may not have a clue as to the location of that "better place."

However, should some choose the "better place" line, they could be thinking the deceased may end up at the local mall as a vampire, haunting women who are frantically going through racks at Lane Bryant in an attempt to find "full figured" clothing.

Church and kids (forget Tim Tebow) remind us of the two magnetized Scotty dogs - one white and one black - in opposite polarizing modes.

One church administrator recently reminded us, "A decade ago teens were coming to church groups to play, coming for the entertainment, coming for the pizza. They're are not even coming for the pizza anymore. Some ( teens) say, 'We don't see the church as relevant, as meeting our needs, or where we need to be today.'

Surely, that must be considered blasphemy. Youth groups not relevent?

I say, "Let's not overlook the many improvements made by Digiorno before racing to judgment."
The truth is that for generations the pastor, the elders, etc have known, without a good youth leadership pastor -and young worshippers , their church will surely die; and yet have done little, choosing to invest the potential youth minister salary in financial derivatives.

It is hard for me to empathize with an employed pastor - or even one of the many coming out of divinity school to a " stiff arm" market - who says "we blame it on the parents who didn't grow up in a church culture.

" H-E-L-L-O! Perhaps nobody was listening then either.

Almost there. Let's take on those good teaching organizations who have decided to give up the fight and supply condoms to their students. One can only hope that their decision does not include a "show and tell" demonstration as to the proper application of same. We seem to have more and more female teachers who have become fascinated with homework (theirs) for their male students.

Studies by experts examining the efficacy of a change in "health care" teaching cannot agree as to the results. It's a little like surveys they used to conduct to determine if workers would be more productive if surrounded by subliminal music. The studies finally agreed they could not determine if : it improved productivity - encouraged singing and thus less productivity (assuming they were not members of The Seven Dwarves) - or just prove people liked music.

Remember, there were experts who claimed they could predict - beyond the shadow of a doubt - human personality traits via the application of Phrenology - examining the bumps on the head.

"Experts" now are puzzled by the fact that while condom usage had increased (based on the small amounts of condums left in the school nurses basket each day), statistics still failed to show a decrease in baby production by teen-agers.

What they did finally discover was that the male teen, already using condoms, found it much less expensive to use the free condoms than to purchase them at CVS.

I loved one parent's analogy, "This is like giving a kid a keg of beer on Friday night and telling him not to drink."

But, then again, "What do I know?"

Did I miss anybody?