ANOTHER TEST FOR JOHNNY

Last night ( in our story) actually happened a long,long time ago.

Johnny didn't sleep well. You see, he had a test today and Johnny seldom did well on tests.

It wasn't that Johnny wasn't bright enough to pass tests. His teachers, relying on standarized test results to measure intelligence knew he had the intelligence. Therefore they felt justified to scold him for his poor test results.

This reinforced Johnny's conclusion he must be dumb.

How bright was Johnny? Only the Shadow knew. And, of course, his teachers -and the caretakers of the school intelligence testing records.

You see, back then, so-called "IQ" test results were kept about as secret as The Manhattan Project.

The theory was that if you revealed to the student any "IQ" scores that were substantially above the mean - the student would simply cease to study and just "get by."

On the other hand, if the scores were below the mean, teachers and admimistrators were also reluctant to reveal the results to those students for fear they would simply "give up.".

It was perceived to be a "lose-lose" proposition.

Anyway, students like Johnny who were very "bright' were left in the "dark".

It is curious now why nobody bothered to question why Johnny failed "test taking" but had memorized the batting averages for the players on all 8 teams in the National League at that time.

So now, the day after the restless sleep night, Johnny sat in his hard back desk chair awaiting receipt of todays test for which he was sure he would earn yet one more "F" - for "Failure."

Then he preceded to turn over the test questions and with his wooden pencil - the size of a peg on a whaling ship- he began to write what he felt were the logical answers to the strange questions he would usually encounter.

The following are the questions and Johnny's answers*:

Q1 - In which battle did Napoleon die?
        * His last battle.
Q2 - Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
        * At the bottom of the page.
Q3 - River Rivi flows in which state?
        * Liquid.
Q4 - What's the main reason for divorce?
        * Marriage
Q5 - What's the main reason for failure?
        * Exams.
Q6 - What can you never eat for breakfast?
         * Lunch & dinner.
Q7 - What looks like half an apple?
         * The other half.
Q8 - If you throw a red stone into the blue sea
        what will it become?
        * It will simply become wet.
Q9 - How can a man go 8 days without sleeping?
        * No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10 - How can you lift an elephant with 1 hand?
        * You'll never find an elephant with 1 hand.
Q11 - If you had 3 apples and 4 oranges in 1 hand
          and 3 oranges and 4 apples in the other
          hand - what would you have?
         * Very large hands.
Q12 - If it took 8 men 10 hours to build a wall,
          how long would it take 4 men to build it?
         * No time at all. Wall is already built.
Q13 - How can you drop a raw egg onto a
          concrete floor without cracking it?
        * Any way you want. Concrete floors are
           very difficult to crack.

Johnny got his usual "F".

I wish I could have been there for Johnny, if
only to tell him "F" meant "Fantastic!"

THAT'S A CRIME? - Part II

Let's start off our follow-up blog on crime as we did with the first.

Recently, reported statistics for housing federal prisoners:

2000 - $21,603     2012- $29,027

Chicago, Illinois: After spending most of his adult life behind bars, Walter Unbehaun 73, allegedly decided to rob another bank in hopes of getting caught.

He felt more comfortable in prison, according to court documents, and wanted to spend his final years there.

The balding, gray-haired man (whose bank camera picture that accompanied the article appeared to confirm his age and verified his lack of time spent in a tanning booth) leaned on a cane as he walked into a bank in suburban Chicago over the weekend.

He used a novel stickup line, according to a federal complaint citing his post-arrest interrogation: He had six months to live, so he had nothing left to lose.

Unebehaun allegedly lifted his coat to show a (bank) teller a silver revolver shoved into his waistband.

Unebehaun, of Rock Hill , S.C. on Saturday walked out of Harris Bank in Niles on Saturday with $4,178 in his pockets, according to court documents.

He wore no disguise, so law enforcement officials, quickly tracked him down, using surveillance-camera photos of him holding up the bank, the complaint said.

When authorities stopped Unbehaun on Sunday outside a motel room where he was staying, he immediately threw down his cane and surrendered, saying he knew they were there because he robbed a bank the day before.

Uberhaun told investigators hours after his arrest that he had spent most of his adult life in prison and "felt more comfortable in prison than out."

"He wanted to do something that would guarantee that he would spend the rest of his life in prison and he knew that robbing a bank with a loaded gun would accomplish that", according to the complaint, signed by FBI agent Chad Piontek.

Uberhaun's defense attorney declined to comment on Tuesday.

Uberhaun's most recent stint behind bars ended in "2011" when he was released after serving 10 years for a bank robbery in "1998."

Ubberhaun made an initial court appearance Monday in Chicago and was ordered "to remain in jail" pending further court procedures.

No additional hearing dates were sent.

If he is convicted on the new bank robbery charge, he could be sent to prison for up to 20 years.

That is assuming somebody in a position of authority declares:

"That's A Crime!"

After all, this was much more serious than a Ponzi scheme that cheats people out of millions - where you might be able to stay out of jail simply by returning the money and paying a fine.

If you were lucky you might even be able to avoid making an apology - unlike that guy in Utah who was shooting at a guy on his property who was a suspected burglar.

(Source material taken from USA Today - State-By-State - Associated Press -
Wednesday February 12, 2012)

THAT'S A CRIME? Part I

IS IT WORTHWHILE GOING TO JAIL?

Recently reported statistics for housing federal prisoners:

     2000 - $21,603       2012 - $29,027

In Los Angeles, Superior Court Judge William Ryan has reduced sentences of five three-strikes inmates under a new voter approved initiative to soften the state's tough sentencing law.

Among the five were a 74-year-old man who has served more than 15 years for possessing $10 worth of drugs and an 81-year-old who served 17 years for stealing cigarettes.

The Proposition (36) provides for reduced sentences for minor crimes under a law that sent inmates to prison for 25 years to life if they racked up three (3) convictions.

That's a crime?

In Lake City, Utah, Clare Niederhauser of Layton, was arrested January 31 for shooting at a suspected burglar who was fleeing his property.

Niederhaus, (not the suspected burglar), apologized during a plea deal hearing and agreed to a deal that includes a class B misdemeanor discharge of weapons.

He will pay a $700 fee, take a weapons class and forfeit a .357 caliber weapon.

That's a crime?

In Henderson Arkansas, a thief who stole a debit card, DVD player, cash and a paycheck from Catherine Simpkins' car had a change of heart.

A day after she reported the theft, Simpkins found the items in her mailbox with a note, "Sorry, for the inconvenience." It was signed "anonymous".

Not returned was $100 in cash.

(Shipping and handling charges?)

That's a crime?

In Easton, Pennsylvania, graduate student Megan Thode wasn't happy about the C-plus she received for one class in 2009, saying it kept her from getting her desired degree and becoming a licensed therapist - and as a result, cost her $1.3 million in lost earnings.

Now Thude is suing her professor and Lehigh University in Bethlehem, claiming monetary damages and seeking a grade change.

Now folks, THAT'S A CRIME!!

Those @#$%&* Computers

"Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it."

"NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer, or porn. This makes it very clear that men are not from Mars."

Okay, that's all the men bashing for today. So, let's turn to taxes, w2's, zombies and those @#$%&* computers.

Tax time is either one to which you look forward or try to hide under the covers.

We Florida residents are fortunate as we have no State income taxes and very forgiving real estate taxes due to the Homestead Act.

So, some of us actually do receive a nice tax gift at tax time. Some do not.

In Montana - well at least in the town of Kalispell - Public School employees
also received a suprise - but it wasn't a tax rebate. When electronic W-2s  were sent to them via e-mail they showed wages at quadruple the right amounts.

Business clerk Gwyn Anderson blamed new software and improper instructions from the vendor.

Who did we blame for our mistakes before the advent of computers?

To be honest the folks in Montana seem to have become the focus of more serious issues.

We just discovered via The USA Today there was a place in Montana called "Town" - suggesting a lack of real imagination by the founders but perhaps making it easier for  non-residents who got lost and stumbled upon a sign at a 3 way crossing.

Having lived on Avenue F in a Pittsburgh suburb I can empathize. One reached Avenue F via Avenue K and Avenue L - or could take the longer route of Avenue B and A. Same problem - no imagination.

My brothers and I continue our petition to change the name of Avenue F to Sullivan Way.

Anyway, the "Town" residents  also received a surprise - particularly those who were tuned into TV station KRTV - a Great Falls affiliate and it's CW station this past Monday.

The Emergency Alert System interrupted the regular programming with news of a zombie apocalypse. The station reported that "dead bodies are rising from their graves" in several Montana counties.

The alert continued by saying the bodies were "attacking the living" and warned people not to "approach or apprehend these bodies as they are extremely dangerous."

The Montana Television Network claimed it was the work of hackers who broke into the Emergency Alert System.

But, you and I know it was those @#$%&* computers who were really to blame.

2012 DARWIN AWARD WINNER

Occasionally, friends like Karen Sutch, will send along a topic that cries out to be included in my blog.

This time it was the announcement of the 2012 Darwin Award:

(Arkansas Democrat Gazette):

Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton patch on State Highway 38 early Monday.

Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after Midnight Monday.

Thurston Poole 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.

The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older- model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column.

Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White Water Bridge.

After travelling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles.

The vehicle swerved sharply to the  right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree.

Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.

Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis.

"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Pooles wife) asked how many  frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck?

(Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.)

OK, admittedly I did not check this out on any fact finding resource but I will offer something I recently did read in Wednesday's USA Today:

 Connecticut - Bridgepoint: "City officials have placed a security guard on paid leave for allegedly waving a toy gun at co-workers in the cafeteria of the city's Health Department. Authorities told News 12 Conneticut that April Robles pretended to shoot people earlier this month."

Question (1): Does April carry a  real weapon in order to properly discharge her responsibilities as a security guard - in Connecticut?

Question (2): What sort of a security check was conducted before hiring this security guard?

Question (3): As it appears April - the security guard - is on paid leave - would it be considered a conflict of interest if she applied to be hired as  an armed security guard in a Connecticut elementary school?

Question (4): Will we ever get it right?

The Darwin Award Winner program will probably always be alive and well.

Question (5): "Will we?"

YES INDEED, I AM THE WORLDS BIGGEST @#$%^&

Last November I wrote about the disaster of accepting an unsolicited credit card from one of the most well known merchants in the country. After receiving it - and acknowledging same by phone - shortly thereafter, I received a bill for a "$25 rewards fee". Itin a came with a pre-dunning warning that failure to pay it timely manner would result in a $35 late charge. I had never "ever" been advised there was a charge for entering their rewards program and took an action that adequately matched my mood at the time. Today, capitalism once again raised it's ugly head. I think i heard the sound of rattles. I went on-line with my bank - one of the largest -and with whom I have been a loyal customer for several years. By last count my wife and I have a good amount of accounts with them - at least enough that we have never received a request to pay for either our checking accounts or safety deposit boxes since signing on. Now, you might say, "There's a loyal bank customer who has invested in the bank of his choice as well as fulfilling a earnest desifre to support the economy. I say "support the economy" because I know the balances of the CD accounts as well as the miniscule interest paid by this instituion for the privilege of holding on to and using our money to further their own gains. Despite that knowledge, today I decided to "approach the slippery slope" called banking. Let me explain. If you have a mailbox or a television I'm sure you are being inundated with requests to accept a new credit card. the new spiel includes a promises to pay you cash back in exchange for your purchases. You see they can do that now as the government has given this bank a lot of money in exchange for their promise to no longer defraud their customers. Appaently, the only other caveat is that no matter what record profits they may be making with this taxpayer money - they are not permitted to increase the interest rate they pay on CD's. Most of these offers have gone directly into our shredder. Today though - as I was about to perform my normal online banking- I paused to review my bank's most recent offer of their cash back program - in order to be able to access my accounts. The bank offered a three tier cash return with a guarantee of $100 should I spend $500 on purchases within a certain period. Each of the tiers - offering from 1% to 3% reimbursement were in categories for which my wife and I make purchases each month in an amount that would pretty well guarantee the receipt of our $100 reimbursement plus the cash percentage feedback. The solicitation made it clear that by answering a few simple questions - nothing out of the ordinary - and agreeing to the terms and conditions - the approval would be almost instantaneous. I thought, "Why not? It's my bank. They certainly know me. They seem to enjoy our decision to make those 3 direct deposits to them each month. They also have never complained about our decision to maintain several accounts with them." So, I dutifully completed the application - agreed to the terms and conditions - submitted it and awaited what I was sure would be instant approval similar to what I have experienced commensurate with our credit rating. The response I received went something like this:"Your business is appreciated and careful consideration is being given to your request, but an instant decision cannot be provided at this time. You will receive a written request within the next 30 days with further information." I screamed at my laptop, "What further information?" First, it was a simple solicitation that interfered with my immediate access to my on-line accounts. second, they solicited me - not the other way around. Now they have to study it?" My pride was surely hurt. They also offered an in chat screen that popped up - again w/o my request. That didn't work so well either. I immediately typed in, "Please cancel my application." That's when the banking industry's idea of "Customer Service" uncoiled itself. I was told they couldn't pull up my app. This was after a considerable delay in exchanged on line chat messages with someone who i believed identified herself as Axis Annie. Annie then gave me a number I could call that would go directly to the solicitation people. You guessed it. Despite my efforts I never spoke to someone as my request did not fit within any of their recorded prompts. I tried two of them. Both insisted on my account # - which I did not have - as I was awaiting the banks 30 day approval notice I pressed "O" "OO" "OOO" - whatever I could think of to awaken a live person. I re-called and entered the remaining prompt choices in an attempt to speak to someone. Much to my surprise a person answered and told me she was Eva Braun. Eva said unfortunately she could not assist me but would give me the "direct number" to the solicitation folks so i could cancel my request. I thanked her and offered my personal blessing that all of her future children would be born naked and then excitedly I dialed the number. Again, no person - just the same three prompts with which I had wrestled with and was pinned three times. I got clever and punched in a number that I think was 69 Or maybe 70. Anyway, someone or something answered. In my confusion I believed it to be a prompt that might have corresponded to one that asked if I was inquiring about the status of my account request. I said I did, ignoring the fact that neither my pulse nor my breathing were even close to steady at this point. The voice or recording then requested personal information similar to that I filled out on the on-line form It was then I heard:"You will receive a response within the next 30 days - - -" There is a legitimate reason why I would not go out and purchase a handgun at this time in my life. Simply put, "I AM INDEED THE WORLDS BIGGEST @#$%^&

WORDS THAT IMPRESS

Recently, my brother-in-law Mike Galdino sent me an e-mail that I treasure. I would like to share it with you. Mike attributes it's content to Lou Klein, an individual with whom I am not familiar.

1. Walk 10 to 30 minutes every day and smile when you
    walk.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes every day. Lock
    yourself in if necessary.

3. Listen to good music every day - it is true food for the
    spirit.

4. When you wake up each morning say the following:
    today my goal is _________________________.

5. Live the three E's : Energy - Enthusiasm - and
    Empathy.

6. Play more games than last year.

7. Read more books than last year.

8. Look at the sky at least once a day and realize in what
   magnificient world you live.

9. Dream more - while you are awake.

10. Eat more natural foods than manufactured ones.

11. Eat berries and nuts & drink green tea, lots of water
     and a glass of wine each day (make sure to make
     a toast to the bounty in your life and do it with
     someone whose company you love.)   

12. Try each day to make 3 people smile.

13. Eliminate disorder in your home, and your
      desk and let new energy enter your life.

14. Don't waste your precious time gossiping
      or regretting the past or in negative thoughts
      or in worrying about things beyond your control.
      Better to convert your energy in that what is
      positive in the present.

15. Realize that life is a school and that you are here
      to learn.Problems are life lessons from which
      you learn.

16. Eat breakfast like a King - lunch like a Prince - and
      dinner like a Pauper.

17. Smile and laugh more.

18. Don't miss any opportunity to hug someone you
      appreciate.

19. Life is too short to waste it by hating someone.

20. Don't take yourself too seriously - no one else does.

21. You don't have to win every argument. Just accept
      that you are not in agreement and that you can
      agree to disagree.

22. Make peace with your past so you won't ruin
      your present.

23. Don't compare yourself with others for always
      there will greater and lesser persons than yourself.

24. Only you are in charge of your own happiness.

25. Remember that you don't always have control
      over what happens - It's what you do with
      the experience.

26. Learn something new every day.

27. What other people think of you is no concern to you.

28. Love your body and respect it.

29. No matter how good or bad the situation is - it will
      change.

30. Your work will not take care of you when you
      are sick.Your friends will. Stay on good terms
      with them.

31. Get rid of everything that is not useful, beautiful,
      or fun.

32. Envy is a waste of time. You already have everything
      you will ever need.

33. The best is yet to come.

34. No matter how you feel - get up - get dressed - and be
      there.

35. Have wonderful friends.

36. Call your family often and send them messages
      saying that you are thinking of them.

37.   Every night before going to bed, say the following:
        I give thanks for ____________.
        Today I succeeded in ___________.

38.  Remember that you are too blessed - to be stressed.

39.  Enjoy life - You only have one opportunity, make the
       best of it.

40.  Send this message to someone you care for.

Impressive words. I'd add only this: "What do you mean to a child when you're dead? Only whatever you put in their head."