YES INDEED, I AM THE WORLDS BIGGEST @#$%^&

Last November I wrote about the disaster of accepting an unsolicited credit card from one of the most well known merchants in the country. After receiving it - and acknowledging same by phone - shortly thereafter, I received a bill for a "$25 rewards fee". Itin a came with a pre-dunning warning that failure to pay it timely manner would result in a $35 late charge. I had never "ever" been advised there was a charge for entering their rewards program and took an action that adequately matched my mood at the time. Today, capitalism once again raised it's ugly head. I think i heard the sound of rattles. I went on-line with my bank - one of the largest -and with whom I have been a loyal customer for several years. By last count my wife and I have a good amount of accounts with them - at least enough that we have never received a request to pay for either our checking accounts or safety deposit boxes since signing on. Now, you might say, "There's a loyal bank customer who has invested in the bank of his choice as well as fulfilling a earnest desifre to support the economy. I say "support the economy" because I know the balances of the CD accounts as well as the miniscule interest paid by this instituion for the privilege of holding on to and using our money to further their own gains. Despite that knowledge, today I decided to "approach the slippery slope" called banking. Let me explain. If you have a mailbox or a television I'm sure you are being inundated with requests to accept a new credit card. the new spiel includes a promises to pay you cash back in exchange for your purchases. You see they can do that now as the government has given this bank a lot of money in exchange for their promise to no longer defraud their customers. Appaently, the only other caveat is that no matter what record profits they may be making with this taxpayer money - they are not permitted to increase the interest rate they pay on CD's. Most of these offers have gone directly into our shredder. Today though - as I was about to perform my normal online banking- I paused to review my bank's most recent offer of their cash back program - in order to be able to access my accounts. The bank offered a three tier cash return with a guarantee of $100 should I spend $500 on purchases within a certain period. Each of the tiers - offering from 1% to 3% reimbursement were in categories for which my wife and I make purchases each month in an amount that would pretty well guarantee the receipt of our $100 reimbursement plus the cash percentage feedback. The solicitation made it clear that by answering a few simple questions - nothing out of the ordinary - and agreeing to the terms and conditions - the approval would be almost instantaneous. I thought, "Why not? It's my bank. They certainly know me. They seem to enjoy our decision to make those 3 direct deposits to them each month. They also have never complained about our decision to maintain several accounts with them." So, I dutifully completed the application - agreed to the terms and conditions - submitted it and awaited what I was sure would be instant approval similar to what I have experienced commensurate with our credit rating. The response I received went something like this:"Your business is appreciated and careful consideration is being given to your request, but an instant decision cannot be provided at this time. You will receive a written request within the next 30 days with further information." I screamed at my laptop, "What further information?" First, it was a simple solicitation that interfered with my immediate access to my on-line accounts. second, they solicited me - not the other way around. Now they have to study it?" My pride was surely hurt. They also offered an in chat screen that popped up - again w/o my request. That didn't work so well either. I immediately typed in, "Please cancel my application." That's when the banking industry's idea of "Customer Service" uncoiled itself. I was told they couldn't pull up my app. This was after a considerable delay in exchanged on line chat messages with someone who i believed identified herself as Axis Annie. Annie then gave me a number I could call that would go directly to the solicitation people. You guessed it. Despite my efforts I never spoke to someone as my request did not fit within any of their recorded prompts. I tried two of them. Both insisted on my account # - which I did not have - as I was awaiting the banks 30 day approval notice I pressed "O" "OO" "OOO" - whatever I could think of to awaken a live person. I re-called and entered the remaining prompt choices in an attempt to speak to someone. Much to my surprise a person answered and told me she was Eva Braun. Eva said unfortunately she could not assist me but would give me the "direct number" to the solicitation folks so i could cancel my request. I thanked her and offered my personal blessing that all of her future children would be born naked and then excitedly I dialed the number. Again, no person - just the same three prompts with which I had wrestled with and was pinned three times. I got clever and punched in a number that I think was 69 Or maybe 70. Anyway, someone or something answered. In my confusion I believed it to be a prompt that might have corresponded to one that asked if I was inquiring about the status of my account request. I said I did, ignoring the fact that neither my pulse nor my breathing were even close to steady at this point. The voice or recording then requested personal information similar to that I filled out on the on-line form It was then I heard:"You will receive a response within the next 30 days - - -" There is a legitimate reason why I would not go out and purchase a handgun at this time in my life. Simply put, "I AM INDEED THE WORLDS BIGGEST @#$%^&