A SEARCH FOR SANITY

The other day actor, Charlie Sheen, proclaimed himself to be comparable to God.

Also, yet to be drafted Auburn football star Cam Newton, decided he was already an icon.

One assumes you gain that status when, as a Florida student, you throw stolen computers out a dorm window to avoid being arrested; and your old man is later shopping you around at $200,000.

My beautiful granddaughter Shannon's favorite teen star, Justin Bieber has recently changed his hairstyle and written an autobiography. Sorry Shannon, I know I'm a mean old man, but to write that book I assume he must have a memory that goes back to the time he spent in the nursery.

By the way I agree, that haircut makes him look almost 14! (just kidding)

Movie star Leslie Lohan has been accused of shoplifting and may finally do more than passive jail time despite what her attorneys tell us. The judge was so outraged he is recusing himself.

Paris Hilton was arrested with drugs. My wife Phyllis and I have forgiven her as her recipe for Spinach Lasagna, which we tried the other night, was a great hit. Phyl has added almost a quarter inch to each bicep.

Two acclaimed movie directors, The Farrelly Brothers have recently released a movie called "Hall Pass" which features projectile diarrhea , and jokes about masturbation and oral sex. It got an "R" rating for crude and sexual humor, language, some graphic nudity, and drug use.

It's not just our entertainment heros who sometimes mystify us here. A guy who is like a mayor in Nogales, a Mexican city bordering Fort Worth, where drug lords are fighting each other and killed 3,000 people in the process is protesting unfavorable press coverage of the city.

I guess he thinks it will be bad for the tourist trade.

Back to actor Charlie's case, his self-elevated status is accompanied by more bizarre behavior than the others referenced.. His adult film star acquaintance relates an incident where he is smoking cocaine from tennis ball sized lumps. One assumes the lumps weren't huge as he needs to fit them into the briefcase of heroin he supposedly carries around with him.

Then again, maybe it's a suitcase. Question: In this nutty TV world why doesn't Lenny Briscoe just crossover, arrest him and confiscate the H?

Charlie who is in self-imposed rehabilitative time-out at home has been doing interviews with the various networks. During these interviews he makes comments about CBS, the creative inventor of his show "Two and A Half Men", and the CBS chief, Leslie Moonves.

Charlie has decided CBS owes him a lot after cancelling his show due to his comments, behavior, absences, etc. He states, "Warner Bros. and CBS owe me a big apology - while licking my feet."

USA Today has, via a recent article, set up sort of a dueling banjos debate between psychologists and a psychiatrist. The subject is whether Charlie is suffering from the long term results of substance abuse or is simply bi-polar. Wouldn't a better debate be over why he's not in jail?

Regardless, prior to the recent decision by CBS, Charlie was collecting about 2 million an episode, supposedly in one of his other briefcases. That could give you a big head too.

Now, I admit to liking the show. Apparently I have withdrawn from my admiration for listening to Sinatra sing "Anything Goes" as he makes reference for a need to use words other than those containing just 4 letters.

It would seem my addled brain has chosen to substitute a taste for Cole Porter for the potty humor and constant reference to masturbation in 2 1/2 by the second lead, and excellent actor, Jon Cryer.

Perhaps my change in taste stems from youthful brain scarring over all that censoring recently deceased actress Jane Russell had to go through in the 40's for wanting to show a little cleavage in Howard Hughes movie "The Outlaw."

I couldn't wait to see it but, then again, I've always been a huge Jack Buetel fan.

Do you think I'm bi-polar?

The next thing you know I'll be rooting for Rush Limbaugh to get rid of the slice on the Golf Channel show in which he currently co-stars.

The recurring questions are, "What has happened to us?" " Will we ever recover?"

Just when I was about to forsake all others, it appears that finally, my search for sanity has ended.

From San Francisco: "Consumers have filed lawsuits against more than a dozen national retail chains from operating in California since the State Supreme Court ruled it is illegal for clerks to ask customers for their ZIP codes."

I refused to give this terribly personal information out the other day down at a naational Home Improvement store .The clerk threatened me with being locked in a dark room and having to watch "Hall Pass" for twenty-four hours straight.

Trust me. I beat a hasty retreat out the door and drove to a different ZIP code in case she followed me. No insanity here.