SWITCHING GEARS

Let's say you're a small but ambitious automobile manufacturer. You couldn't afford Detroit wages so you build your car in Pastagoofus, Mississippi, and have done so for years.

You're corp of designers are flush with degrees from several community colleges across the land. Your engineers were trained by the Jobs Corp and have signed certificates to confirm this.

Your Marketing staff has at least three members who have never served time.

The local, state, & federal government politicians admire your efforts enough to dole out substantial manufacturing grants to your organization plus legislative earmarks.

One of the reasons for doing so is because you haven't outsourced any of your manufacturing functions to Alabama. Besides, you even added payroll by hiring several local bodyshop painters who still see the inclusion of Kem-Tone in the paint composition as a viable way to save cash.

The other reason for the politico's generosity is a willingness to overlook the fact sales are slipping but, they don't want you to leave. They feel you're basically a cottage industry with potential in Mississippi . You employ people who otherwise would be drawing either unemployment or welfare checks, and you are worthy of their support.

You have your outside critics but they truly love you in Pastagoofus. So much so that for the last ten years the city fathers have put your payment of taxes on a "pay as much as you can" basis.

A few years ago City council also raised substantial money through increased parking taxes and higher tariffs on pecan pie imports from Georgia. They did this to pay for a building that is as big as an indoor stadium - 10 times the size of your previous manufacturing plant. You are now contemplating a request for the addition of a sliding domed roof to allegedly release harmful paint fumes.

The City's rebuilding gestures impressed you primarily because each year you manufacture and sell about 5% less product than the previous year. Your big seller and, currently, your only model is a coupe with the engine in the back.

Your marketing staff has named it "Flatus". It can be fueled via a mixture of ethanol and legumes. (patent pending).

Despite all of the minor drawbacks, your car is the biggest seller in Pastagoofus. It's a sort of brand loyalty thing.

The citizens remember when your cars won design awards at trade shows in 1960, 1971, and 1979. As a result Pastagoofus was all the rage in the southern engineering magazines. The mayor and his brother in-law were even invited on the "Jack Paar Tonight Show" in 1960, the year your guys beat out the leading designing team from New York.

"Flatus" is also a big hit with legume and corn farmers throughout the state of Mississippi.

In other towns within the state the car is most often purchased at a discount by church organizations. They do so by raising money via congregational car washes and the sale of 100 proof "Holy Water." Their hopes and prayers are that each year they can send more and more "Flatus" to needy missionary groups throughout the Dominican Republic.

You continue to tour the State with each years new model - in various colors - making annual minor modifications to the headlights and the dash. You employ a sort of "Flatus" Caravan inspired by the Marketing department gurus who assure you it will increase sales throughout the State.

And yet, for years, folks outside the State of Mississippi and living in the non-auto manufacturing world wondered how you could continue to make it in the competetive world of automobile building.

Unfortunately, WikiLeaks papers recently revealed your secret.

It seems that since the election of President Obama his braintrust has annually assessed each of the wealthier carmakers: Ford, Chrysler, and General Motors, in order to keep your financial head above water - and, of course, to garner much needed votes in the South.

The carrot and stick routine is that, without this concession by the Big Three, they will never again be offered another government bailout. Even Mississipi Republican leaders are in agreement with the covert operation.

The monthly amount dispersed cannot be positively determined despite the new and increased transparency of the current government philosophy. However, it has been revealed that the assessments go directly to you and your highly trained staff . Of course, that is based on your promise that you and your Board of Directors will put all the money right back into "Flatus" manufacturing. And in truth, you have replaced those crank window thingabobbies with sliding windows on the driver's side.

The program has worked so successfully that you and the Board have decided it is time to branch out.

Not in the manufacture of cars. Instead, you have decided to float a bid to bring a Major League Baseball club to Pastagoofus by purchasing a losing team from the City of Pittsburgh.

If successful, your CFO assures you there should be little, if any, changes required in how you currently do business.

You might even think about switching gears and buy a ski resort down the road.