BIBLICALLY SPEAKING?

I was once a member of a small group that was trying to start a church. We had left an established church and possibly thought we could do it better. We were wrong.

Four of us split the responsibility of delivering the Sunday morning message. The first one I presented was entitled, "Does God Have A Sense Of Humor?" I used a Platypus picture to support my opinion.

The Bible is the security of many practicing Christians. It is so admired that the use of the term "the Bible of this or that" is intended to promote a feeling of authenticity as to whatever subject is being discussed.

Not all folks agree the Bible is God's Word, and thus indisputable; a premise which shall not be debated here. However, I will admit an affinity for New Testament churches

An E-mail, which appears to be an adaptation of another I have seen, was received from Benn & Doris Issacson, good people and the Jewish branch of our conjoined family.

It points out the hazards of taking a Chinese Menu approach to the Bible, ie, "2 from column A and 3 from column B", in order to support a strict interpretation. The E-mail sources used are the second and third chapters of The Old Testment.

The impetus for the E-mail was one of the radio shows of Dr. Laura Schlessinger, who appears to be having the same kind of public relations year as Lindsay Lohan.

Dr. Laura allegedly contended that as an Orthodox Jew, "homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance."

Here, with only slight editing, is the E-mail:

"Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. . . . I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can . When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them (of) Leviticus 18:22. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35.2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abdomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there degrees of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading classes. Does my vision have to be 20-20? Is there any wiggle room here?

8.. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though that is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19-27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11. 6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? (Probably pre-Wilson Sporting Goods. ed.)

10. My Uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19-19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.

Is it really necessary we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24: 10-16? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20.14)

I know you hve studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's Word is eternal and unchanging."

(signed- "Your adoring fan" - name withheld)

Blasphemy? You decide. Living in a community mostly comprised of snowbirds, it would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian.