CATCHING UP WITH MY CORRESPONDENCE.

RESPONDING to the guy travelling east on State Road 70 attempting to make a right turn on red to go to SAM's as I, travelling west opposite him, was making the left turn with the green arrow and also headed for that same destination:

"Yes, I guess my actions did surprise you. As I grow older I tend to fear the loss of my driver's license so I'm the one trying to abide by the traffic code. While I thought you made an excellent argument that you had the right of way as you were closer to the curb of the road you intended to enter - I cannot find any Florida law agreeing with that rationale.

I will admit that your decision to make that turn without stopping did surprise me - and for that I do apologize. You're right. I'm sure it is very common for people to attempt to make that turn as you did . In the future I'll keep my eye out for such behavior. That would be the eye that is not swollen shut as a result of me slamming on the brakes and striking the airbag with my face.

My wife, the attorney, will be contacting you shortly. I was driving her car."

RESPONDING to the gentleman I questioned when he jumped in line in front me at Sweetbay while I regained my balance after I finished picking up a penny from the floor:

"Sir, according to the best medical references I have reviewed, what you asked of me is anatomically impossible. Your interest in that part of the male anatomy is fascinating. My cousin is a licensed proctologist in the area and I have referred your name to him as a prospective patient. His name and location is not relevant."

RESPONDING to the guy who threw the McDonalds trash out of the drivers window which then stuck to my windshield forcing me to look out the passenger side of my windshield:

"Sir, you are right. All that doggie doo in the burning paper bags you found on your front porch could not possibly have come from the excrement of our tiny 2 1/2 pound Chihuahua.

Once I tracked down your address from the license number I obtained after chasing you for sixteen blocks - I admit to bringing the matter up in conversation to some dog owner friends down at Gecko's on 70. They did make several references to a prank they used to pull on Halloween as kids but there was no further discussion and I consider the matter to be closed.

Incidentally, I understand aloe is good for the type of minor ankle/feet burns you describe."

RESPONDING to the little old lady from Tara with the pillbox hat and black veil:

"I am sorry that you continued to go through the stop sign as you approached me because you thought I was a masher and the flashing light on the left front of my car was my attempt to flirt with you.

Maam, that is called a turn signal indicator and I agree it is an uncommon sight here in Florida.

I would have told you this in person but my mouth is wired shut due to the shot I received from your paisley umbrella that, I might add, is much too large for such a delicate elderly lady as yourself . My son, the dentist, has agreed to bill your insurance carrier direct.

My other son, who's with the Florida licensing department, asked me to inquire after a record check if there are two "e's" in Estelle. He will be assisting you in scheduling your eye appointment and drivers test."

RESPONDING to the guy who continues to touch my wife, put his hand on her shoulder, and/or rub the back of her neck when he talks to her in one of our favorite restaurants:

"I'm not sure how to respond to your question. My guess is that was a five iron I used on the hood of your wife's new Acura. I'm not really a good golfer and simply cannot hit the higher irons with any degree of accuracy. However, I find the five iron to be an excellent all purpose club.

Should additional questions arise my wife requests that you have your wife give her a call."

Sincerely yours,