"THE SILVER BULLET LIVES ON"

It was a chilly Arizona night as The Lone Ranger and Tonto were sitting with their back to the fire  - ponchos covering their shoulders - discussing their respective potty habits .

(This part intrigued me because, as a kid listening to their show while lying on the floor in front of our huge Philco radio, I was puzzled and convinced they must never have had to go to the bathroom. Like, you never heard the Lone Ranger say to Tonto before they rode off to chase bad guys, "Hold it Tonto, I've got to take a whiz".)

Apparently, I had "B.R". problems of my own back then, which many claim have still not abated. I digress. Lets get back to our story:

Suddenly, our heroes heard a rustling sound in the woods behind them.

The guy with the white hat went into a panic. His first thought was that the notorious Butch Cavendish gang had snuck up on the two of them and was now seeking to fulfill their vow to wipe out both he and Tonto - without whose help he wouldn't have been around anyway.

In his panic, the Ranger rushed to pull down the black mask protecting his true identity. Tonto was caught off guard as well, and hurriedly reached into the back of his poncho in a vain attempt to reach an arrow from his quiver.

The revered "mask of identity protection" ended up under one ear and over the Ranger's nose but still offered some discreet protection.

Tonto, on the other hand, just stood there looking puzzled as he forgot he had no arrows in his quiver - partially due to the fact he had no quiver and used a rusted gun instead. Old habits die hard.

It mattered not. The noise they heard actually came from someone seeking their help - not their demise.

Hands held high, an Irish guy by the name of Denny Kelleher from the nearby town of "Rim Shot" appeared and began to explain how he and his fellow  residents were seeking relief from the dastardly behavior of the sole town bankers, Sydney and Grope (known simply as Sydney/Grope) and sought the help of the two "good guys"  .

He related to them how the bankers had combined both their assets and their name in order to build the largest and most luxurious bank existing that side of the Mississippi - wiping out all the decent smaller bankers in the process.

He then explained that recently the towns people discovered how Sydney/Grope s had been stealing them blind.

It seemed the two "supposedly" accomplished this by lying to the town folk about the safety of their investments, failing to disclose termite infestation in the store fronts they offered for sale or lease, were salting gold mines, alleging to the citizens that their "premier" mines were loaded with gold (which turned out to be iron pyrites), and had hired bad guys to over-water their sick cattle to inflate both their weight and sale price, and which also appeared to have had the banks brand superimposed on a previous brand.

In short, it was a typical plot for most of the Lone Ranger story lines with which we first became familiar as kids who were fans of both the Lone Ranger and Fran Stryker, his creator.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto acted quickly. But first, fearing the exaggeration of the town folk's allegations, the Ranger wanted to see for himself.

Disdaining his usual choice of "town" disguise as "the old prospecter", the Lone Ranger instead went into "Rim Shot" seeking information while appropriately dressed as an itinerant drummer, a purveyor of womens unmentionables.

Immediately after confirming the suspicions of Kelleher and his neighbors, the two crime fighters confronted the bankers who, not unexpectedly, denied all of their accusations.

Our heroes then engaged the bankers Sydney and Grope in a ferocious gunfight outside the bank that lasted nearly all weekend (without the need to reload their guns). It ended successfully only when Tonto's gun misfired and struck a container of coal oil inside the bank where the bankers had fled from the hail of bullets.

The huge bank burned to the ground - leaving the citizens no place to pursue their banking needs . Miraculously the bankers had survived, as the Lone Ranger never killed anybody, choosing to wound them instead.

The already outraged town citizens demanded that the bankers be hanged immediately and their bodies left on the scaffold "for all the world to see".

The Lone Ranger refused their demands stating, "I think these heartless villains have suffered enough", and he sent them packing out of town.

Unbeknownst to the citizens, after the bankers gratuitously turned over all of their holdings to "Rim Shot" allegedly to make amends, the two secretly wired their insurance company in New York and had the huge insurance proceeds from the fire forwarded to them at a secretly established branch office there.

Then the two whooped it up and celebrated their freedom and ill gained profits during their train ride East as they began their plans to form what turned out to be a very successful investment business in New York City.

However, even after receiving all of the worthless bank assets, the real "kick in the head" for the Rim Shot citizens, was never disclosed to them.

After making his usual pronouncement after a successful mission , "Tonto, it looks like our work is done here!", the soft hearted (and apparently soft headed) Lone Ranger surreptitiously reached into his poke and, unseen by the townies, privately gave the bankers (not the citizens) several of his priceless silver bullets - presumably for train fare .

He and Tonto then "Hi-Ho'd" it off into the sunset followed by several members of the Rim Shot symphony who were struggling to reproduce the William Tell overture on their dust covered instruments.

Weird story, right? I mean, if you've read this far, you can't be blamed for wondering what the moral to this sad tale could possibly be.

Ah so! You're in luck. We're about to tell you.

It's two centuries later now, and in keeping with the repeated Department Of Justice (DOJ) promise to us citizens to turn around the corruption in our financial system via the use of more stringent punishment of the miscreants, Attorney General Eric Holder, in his infinite wisdom, recently made an announcement:

He slammed the banking and investment firm Citigroup (not to be confused with Sydney/Grope) about a week ago. He accused them of hiding information about toxic mortgages after Citi, the worlds largest bank, agreed to pay $7 billion to settle charges tied to the global financial crisis that rocked the world six years ago."

Perhaps, most of us now dutifully shaking our collective heads in the affirmative, like the poor folks of "Rim Shot" - last seen in the town square muttering  about bankers Sydney/Grope, "that'll learn em!" -  the irony of the DOJ's actions hadn't really settled in for us yet.

Perhaps that's just as well.

You see, unlike our old time Westerns story above, there really is a guy named Dennis Kelleher today, and he has made some more relevent comments about Citigroup, the D.O.J. and the now infamous settlement. Denny is the CEO of an interest advocacy group, entitled "Better Markets" and, who loudly "bashed" the deal.
 
Kelleher did this despite the widely and presumably grateful publicized reaction to the words of our "A.G" Holder, and his revelatory statements regarding Citigroup's knowledge of the serious and widespread defects of the risky loans that the lender and it's employees concealed.

In his speech Holder also acknowledged: "Citigroup increased it's profits at the expense of millions of ordinary Americans and investors of all types. Then he confided to us, "Ultimately these investors suffered billions of dollars in losses when Citi's false and fraudulent claims came crashing down!"

He must have been right because, in reaction to the gigundous penalty handed down from the D.O.J, Citigroup CEO Michael Corbe said, "The settlement allows us to move forward and focus on the future - NOT the past"

Okay, enough already. But, what did Dennis Kelleher, the only guy who seems to have a grasp on what really just went down, have to say?

"DOJ brags about and wants everyone to focus on the $7 billion settlement dollar amount, but that amount is meaningless without disclosure of the key information about:

How many hundreds of billions of dollars Citigroup made.
How many tens of billions investors lost.
How many billions in bonuses were pocketed.
Which investors were involved, and,
What positions they now have with the bank."

It is truly interesting to note A.G Holder also didn't relate which Citigroup folks ended up in the "hoosegow" - or what they were planning to do with their "silver bullets", either!



.

NATURAL SELECTION - A POSITIVE SPIN

Recently, my favorite blogger, Harry (http://harry2335.blogspot.com) sent along an important e-mail - about the relative merits of drinking beer.

I believe I may have seen it before - but I also believe I took geometry in high school - and recall little that I read of that as well.

I do remember my teacher,Mr. Glessner, and his pithy sayings like, "Many hands make light work" - but, then again, that might have been Holly Hobbie.

While sitting at PNC Park in Pittsburgh in my First Base box seat - with a direct line from First Base to Third - courtesy of my Fathers Day gift from oldest son Bruce and wife Patty, I was amazed at all the activity taking place off the field.

The beer vendors were going nuts. They all had their own unique patter accompanied by the loud and familiar cheerful declaration  -  "Beer Here".

Pittsburgers love their beer.

One might conclude there were more purveyors of beer than there were fans sitting in the right field stands. Then again, I'm much more accustomed to sitting at that location than field level box seats.

Apparently, the conclusion of the vendors is that there are many more fans in the upgraded section who can afford the $9 beers offered up in those tiny cups.

So why so many beer drinkers?

Harry's e-mail seems to answer that question quite well:

"One night at Cheers, the famous bar, Postman Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson: 'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this . . . . a herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.Therefore, when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But, naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

It's only natural.

("Beer, helping ugly people have sex since 3000 BC!" - W.C. Fields)

PET PEEVES

One of my biggest "pet peeves" is the number of folks who commit so-called "white collar" crimes - and never do any jailtime.

My next vexation is; while this disproportionate punishment that is being meted out continues to grow like an epidemic, I am puzzled why so many people are still asking "What's wrong with this country and why do we have so many people cheating and lying?"

When travelling around doing my "dog and  pony" show back in the 90's - talking about business ethics in the insurance industry, I was often faced with the question: "Are we more unethical as a society than we used to be?"

The too easy answer was, "There's not more unethical behavior - just more people". I chose to believe it was much more effective to bounce the question back to my audience, to generate some discussion and hear and see what they thought.

The results were interesting.

Similar to the responses to ethical questions I posed  in the "A Question of Ethics" column I edited, I was amazed by the contrast out there as to what people had decided "now' constituted acceptable behavior.

And that was almost 20 years ago.

Please believe me when I say I no more thought of myself  as the "arbiter of right and wrong" back then, than  I do now. I am much more curious as to what others think about the subject.

Despite that admission, and while having no desire to be your favorite naysayer in the present, I'm concerned there is little in our current times to suggest a positive ethical change is taking place.

We continue to hear and read about some truly outrageous behavior in both business and the military.

Some blame the trend of increased unethical behavior on the inequitable accumulation of power and wealth we are experiencing. They also say that along with that comes an assumption the rules for you and me don't apply to them.

Perhaps they're right.

My most recent reference is taken from a story in the USA Today about Brigadier Army General Jeffrey Sinclair who reportedly cut a plea deal with prosecutors over extramarital affairs he had with subordinates, one of whom accused him of sexual assault - and then allegedly threatening to kill her.

His deal included a $20,000 fine - but he avoided a jail term - and therein lies the foundation of my premise.

What exactly was the leverage in his plea deal? Was it that Sinclair was possibly going to reveal several other highly placed military brass who had committed more serious crimes? Was it his threat to name names?

We'll probably never know, just as we may never know how other high ranking military personnel and ( titans of industry as well) amazingly avoid jail time,  despite being accused of committing despicable acts that have affected so many of us - in so many ways.

Let's face it. At the same time we have the contrast of "mere mortals" who are caught up in our "justice" system and are receiving 3 to 5 years hard time for selling a nickel bag of pot, many others, in a position of authority, and found guilty of much more serious crimes, are going scott free.

Is it because we are dealing with a domino effect wherein too many of us appear to have become enured to the tawdry behavior by a priviledged few and simply conclude: "It's just boys being boys - and it's been going on for years"?

So has Cancer! But, we seem to be making progress.

Whatever happened to the former popular guiding moral principle: "If you do the crime - you do the time?" Did it go the same way as "The Golden Rule"?

I believe people empowered to do so truly need to re-examine our legal system in this country and determine what messages we're sending to a lot of fertile minds in their formative years.

Let's do it before it's too late for that next generation - many of whom are going to be calling the shots that impact our kids and grandkids.

Then let's extrapolate those conclusions from the legal system analysis as to how we are handling so-called adult "white collar" crime, reignite our understanding of the simple concept of cause and effect, and get this country back on track.

Please consider my conclusion that this issue is important enough to be elevated from just a "pet peeve" by some old blogger to the status of a huge problem well worth our national concern.

But, you decide.

Twelve Steps & More

The unsolicited giving of  self-help messages seems to have increased lately, and as Martha S  likes to say, "that's a good thing."

Sometimes we need reminders as we all have bad days - or sometimes a sequence of same.

I recently read a survey of people asking, "If you could change the world what would you do?"

Some of the replies were interesting.

My favorite response was, "First I'd like to figure out how to remove those !@#$%^  thick plastic clam shell wrappers that all the manufacturers seem enthralled with. Then I'd love to come up with a cure for world hunger."

See, we all need priorities.

I agree. It's not that we don't care about the really serious issues featured on the editorial pages. It's just that it's the day-to-day frustrations that can ruin it for all of us - if we let them.

My daughter Beth sent along a self- help guideline thing entitled "12 steps" that may aid our curative process:

1.   If it feels wrong, don't do it.
2.   Say "exactly" what you mean.
3.   Don't be a people pleaser.
4.   Trust your instincts.
5.   Never speak bad about yourself.
6.   Never give up on your dreams.
7.   Don't be afraid to say "NO."
8.   Don't be afraid to say "YES."
9.   Be KIND to yourself.
10. Let go of what you can't control.
11. Stay away from drama and negativity.
12. LOVE.

Number 10 sort of reminds me of the Serenity Prayer that has often been a real lifesaver for me.

So, if I'm reading the 12 steps correctly , the next time you get one of those "clam shell" wrappings - feel free to take a chainsaw to it.

Then place all the pieces and your receipt neatly in your Wal-Mart bag and return it. Explain what happened. I'm sure they'll give you back your money -  and may even throw in a new blade.

We've all been there.

MAKE UP YOUR MIND!

I say this respectfully to my beloved Pittsburgh Pirates: "Make up your mind!"

My message to the Pirates is,"It would be a lot easier if you guys could figure out whether you've decided to be a winning major league ballclub this year - or not.

Every time I think you're going down the tube - you turn around and win a couple of games and I get excited all over again.

Not only do you win these games; but many times the incentive to do so came from formerly unproductive offensive ball players flirting with the Mendoza line who for some strange reason now and then find a way to get a timely hit or pitch a good game."

The old Boston Braves team was covered by Boston Globe sportswriter Gerald V. Hern among others. In 1948 (Yeah, I was a Pirates baseball fan back then, too) Hern wrote a poem about the Braves supposedly 'thin" pitching staff.

It's not that the guys were on "weight loss" - it hadn't been invented yet. It's just they were up and down with their pitching as Hern lamented.

The two reliable and more consistent pitchers were Warren Spahn and Johnny Sain, but they couldn't pitch back to back every game, thus the old saying"Give me Spahn and Sain, and pray for rain."

The Pirates seem to be having difficulty finding their own second consistent starter after Gerrit Cole. We thought it would be one of about three. But, they can't seem to recall how to win as they did in 2013 and we let Burnett get away for a sum that's considered chump change these days in professional sports.

Unfortunately, the "rain" prospects for the Pirates are as difficult to predict as their starting pitching. The talents are there. What seems to be lacking is a good sports psychologist.

We desperately need a starter who will emulate Cole and regain their memory.

Cole, our former #1 draft choice - beat the Dodgers the other day and received appropriate backup from his team.

Unfortunately, when I saw that Liriano (0-5) was the next starter up and facing a Dodger pitcher Josh Beckett who had just come off a no-hitter, I reached for the Tums.

Fortunately, Beckett was no Johnny Vander Meer.

 Liriano pitched a good (almost) 6 innings - and we got timely hits against Beckett, along with  a good bullpen performance from previously reliable guys who seem to have finally jelled.

(It's okay. I had both my fingers AND my legs crossed.)

Rooting for this years Pirates team this year has been a lot like asking Lucy van Pelt to hold the football while you attempt a field goal.

Oh, and the second  "Make Up Your Mind"?

That's for yours truly - your impatient blogger who apparently forgot what it's like to be a "good' Pirates fan - and who, by the way,  has been known to have  more than a few bad days now and then, too..

MR. FIX-IT

I readily admit I am mechanically challenged. Quite often it is my wife, Phyl who resolves what I cannot fix or install.

My latest challenge involved the latter - installing door bells on our down sized  but "comfy" Florida home.

To my credit I had done this successfully a few years ago.

Unfortunately then, I had opted to install the doorbell button on the siding next to the inside entry door to the house.

Ordinarily this location would not have been a problem; however it is necessary to reach that destination by passing through the sturdy door leading into our oversized enclosed lanai - which is usually kept locked.

Like a cat eyeing fish in an enclosed tank, visitors could peer through the lanai screen at the door bell ringer - but, couldn't reach it.

All things wear out eventually - and the doorbell ringer unfortunately passed away necessitating the purchase of a new system. Being thrifty folks, we first purchased new batteries for the existing system.(OK, my wife did), but the present system still could not be resuscitated.

I returned my first new replacement system to Walmart as it was not designed to be used with a wall plug. I then bought one that most closely resembled the deceased one.

I wrestled with the packaging for several minutes while muttering to myself, "If   NASA had used this to enclose their space capsules  - - - !"

Having struggled with the tiny print directions I discovered I was attempting to read the Spanish version.The English instructions were not much clearer.

As a result, I was confused as to which side of the flat nickel sized batteries was the positive, which it explained had to be inserted face up. The manufacturer had failed to identify same on the battery surface.

Finally, I had the ringer correctly assembled - the main housing inserted in the wall plug to assess the various selections of ring tones (I could only find 2 of the 8 advertised) and, after much puzzlement, figured out how to uncover the sticky adhesive supplied to adhere the ringer to a location of my choice.

Having confirmed the battery was properly installed and the ringer worked both inside and out of the house, I carefully selected the most user-friendly location outside the lanai entry door.

Being a careful lad, I held and tested the bell ringer once more (after the previous 15 test rings) before applying the adhesive packaging, then closed up the ringer mechanism as instructed, and pressed it onto that "just right" spot.

The ringer didn't work.

I went back in the house and read the trouble shooting small print of the limited folded instruction sheet until I came to the part which said, "Ensure push button is not mounted on metal, near metal studs, or near the floor."

I figured 2 out of 3 wasn't bad. Unfortunately, this bell ringing package installation required batting 1000 in order to be successful.

Disconnecting the ringer from the adhesive - or trying - I now discovered NASA should have purchased the adhesive as well. It wouldn't come off the door frame post despite my careful efforts with a soft cloth soaked in warm water in order not to scratch the surface.

Deciding I'd tackle that challenge later I proceeded to press the ringer package against the vinyl siding, the wooden trellis on the side of the carport, and the screen to the right of the lanai door.

Only the last attempt proved to be workable - but, not if the window behind the screening was open - which it usually is.

I discovered the ringer worked well only when clutched in my hand - as it had done previously before my initial  installation attempt. However, when pressed against the selected hard surfaces it took on the characteristics of  Marcel Marceau.

For those of you still interested, my second attempt at the adhesive removal with "goof-off" (which I successfully pre-tested in a small non-visible area per it's instructions) was also in vain. The product removed the paint from the door frame in a 25 cent wide test  area - but not the adhesive.

My wife just shook her head when surveying the damage and said (softly), "Well, you tried."

I hesitate to return the packaging for a door bell kit once more as the first question I will be asked is, "Did you open the packaging?" (As if I could determine the efficacy of the product by visual observation from outside it's indomitable plastic shell).

The doorbell?

It's now in a quite attractive petite wicker basket hanging from the lanai door knob, directly under the scotch taped sign which in bold letters proclaims:

"PLEASE REMOVE RINGER FROM BASKET, PRESS RINGER BUTTON AND HOLD FOR AT LEAST ONE SECOND."

Mr. Fixit strikes again.

IS JOHNNY CARSON BACK?

When my wife and I decided we need a break from crime shows and autopsy tables we discovered a welcome alternative - humor.

Humor is hard to define, yet I learned much about it by taking perhaps my favorite 3 credit elective course,"Contemporary Humor", a study of humor in movies, TV and books.
.
The course highlighted successful comedy ingredients like timing, irony, deadpan humor, delayed takes and self-deprecation. Johnny Carson had all of these in spades.

It now appears Seth Meyers the host of "The Late Late Show" has mastered many of these key skills as well.

Meyers was weaned as a former standup comedian and 12 year head comedy writer for Saturday Night Live.

Like Carson, Meyers can often save a joke with a look - a change in posture - or a great soft clarifying follow-up line.

He is also an excellent interviewer, something that on so many of todays talk shows isn't easy to find. Too often the interviewer tends to hog the conversation.

Meyers comes across as an interested listener. While he possesses quick comedic follow-up lines, he primarily uses them in an interview as an attempt to save a nervous guest who appears to have lost his or her way.

Both Carson and Meyers were quick to recognize their show works best when they allow their sidekicks to display their own comedy skills. I'm convinced  Johnny's "Carnac" routines worked as well as they did for me due to the well timed input of Ed McMahon.

Meyers comedy counterpart is another SNL graduate, Fred Armison, actor and comedian as well as bandleader of the show's "8G Band".

Armison is a true master of deadpan humor and his reactions to Meyer's comments and questions are for us possibly the highlight of this new show.

Their almost nightly bit is that Armison is accused by Meyers of being "a man of untruths", but exposed by Meyers after much digging and so-called research.

Meyers delivers the setups by confronting Armison with defending his ridiculous claims of having started various inventive, but truly bizarre businesses.

One such example was amusement park "Clayworld" which Fred allegedly founded and where there are no rides. At least at first.

Per Armison, the rides du jour are up to the paying customers.They are encouraged to design their favorite amusement rides which they must sculpt out of multiple piles of clay, spread throughout the park.

These "rides" allegedly include Merry Go Rounds, Ferris Wheels, and the
like -or as Fred relates in his deadpan style, "Whatever the customer prefers".

Meyers, acting as the responsible and pragmatic of the two, then uses follow-up questions like,"Aren't you concerned they may fall and hurt themself?.

Fred: "They ARE  on piles of clay, you know!"

When asked by Meyers (for the assumed benefit of interested tourists) where "Clayworld" can be found, Armisons reply is "Pretty much all over Arizona."

The routine loses much through my translation.

To attempt to explain  a joke - or a comedy routine - which I just did  - you must  first assume the listener possesses a sense of humor. Sadly, many do not.

This is clearly visual comedy and would probably not work as well on radio.

Again, what is necessary to make the routines work is the combination of  the "delay takes" mastered by both Carson and Meyers, coupled with Armison's toothy"deadpan" replies.

If dry humor and well timed deadpan reactions are your thing - hop aboard - but, as I learned long ago, they are clearly not for everyone.

It seems both are an acquired taste by the listener. I liken them to the enjoyment of sipping Single Malt Scotch, VSOP Cognac, or down here in Florida, "Piledrivers." - a combination of Vodka and Prune Juice

Despite that caveat , the early returns, at least in the Sullivan household suggest: "Carson may be back".