MR. FIX-IT

I readily admit I am mechanically challenged. Quite often it is my wife, Phyl who resolves what I cannot fix or install.

My latest challenge involved the latter - installing door bells on our down sized  but "comfy" Florida home.

To my credit I had done this successfully a few years ago.

Unfortunately then, I had opted to install the doorbell button on the siding next to the inside entry door to the house.

Ordinarily this location would not have been a problem; however it is necessary to reach that destination by passing through the sturdy door leading into our oversized enclosed lanai - which is usually kept locked.

Like a cat eyeing fish in an enclosed tank, visitors could peer through the lanai screen at the door bell ringer - but, couldn't reach it.

All things wear out eventually - and the doorbell ringer unfortunately passed away necessitating the purchase of a new system. Being thrifty folks, we first purchased new batteries for the existing system.(OK, my wife did), but the present system still could not be resuscitated.

I returned my first new replacement system to Walmart as it was not designed to be used with a wall plug. I then bought one that most closely resembled the deceased one.

I wrestled with the packaging for several minutes while muttering to myself, "If   NASA had used this to enclose their space capsules  - - - !"

Having struggled with the tiny print directions I discovered I was attempting to read the Spanish version.The English instructions were not much clearer.

As a result, I was confused as to which side of the flat nickel sized batteries was the positive, which it explained had to be inserted face up. The manufacturer had failed to identify same on the battery surface.

Finally, I had the ringer correctly assembled - the main housing inserted in the wall plug to assess the various selections of ring tones (I could only find 2 of the 8 advertised) and, after much puzzlement, figured out how to uncover the sticky adhesive supplied to adhere the ringer to a location of my choice.

Having confirmed the battery was properly installed and the ringer worked both inside and out of the house, I carefully selected the most user-friendly location outside the lanai entry door.

Being a careful lad, I held and tested the bell ringer once more (after the previous 15 test rings) before applying the adhesive packaging, then closed up the ringer mechanism as instructed, and pressed it onto that "just right" spot.

The ringer didn't work.

I went back in the house and read the trouble shooting small print of the limited folded instruction sheet until I came to the part which said, "Ensure push button is not mounted on metal, near metal studs, or near the floor."

I figured 2 out of 3 wasn't bad. Unfortunately, this bell ringing package installation required batting 1000 in order to be successful.

Disconnecting the ringer from the adhesive - or trying - I now discovered NASA should have purchased the adhesive as well. It wouldn't come off the door frame post despite my careful efforts with a soft cloth soaked in warm water in order not to scratch the surface.

Deciding I'd tackle that challenge later I proceeded to press the ringer package against the vinyl siding, the wooden trellis on the side of the carport, and the screen to the right of the lanai door.

Only the last attempt proved to be workable - but, not if the window behind the screening was open - which it usually is.

I discovered the ringer worked well only when clutched in my hand - as it had done previously before my initial  installation attempt. However, when pressed against the selected hard surfaces it took on the characteristics of  Marcel Marceau.

For those of you still interested, my second attempt at the adhesive removal with "goof-off" (which I successfully pre-tested in a small non-visible area per it's instructions) was also in vain. The product removed the paint from the door frame in a 25 cent wide test  area - but not the adhesive.

My wife just shook her head when surveying the damage and said (softly), "Well, you tried."

I hesitate to return the packaging for a door bell kit once more as the first question I will be asked is, "Did you open the packaging?" (As if I could determine the efficacy of the product by visual observation from outside it's indomitable plastic shell).

The doorbell?

It's now in a quite attractive petite wicker basket hanging from the lanai door knob, directly under the scotch taped sign which in bold letters proclaims:

"PLEASE REMOVE RINGER FROM BASKET, PRESS RINGER BUTTON AND HOLD FOR AT LEAST ONE SECOND."

Mr. Fixit strikes again.