MAKE UP YOUR MIND!

I say this respectfully to my beloved Pittsburgh Pirates: "Make up your mind!"

My message to the Pirates is,"It would be a lot easier if you guys could figure out whether you've decided to be a winning major league ballclub this year - or not.

Every time I think you're going down the tube - you turn around and win a couple of games and I get excited all over again.

Not only do you win these games; but many times the incentive to do so came from formerly unproductive offensive ball players flirting with the Mendoza line who for some strange reason now and then find a way to get a timely hit or pitch a good game."

The old Boston Braves team was covered by Boston Globe sportswriter Gerald V. Hern among others. In 1948 (Yeah, I was a Pirates baseball fan back then, too) Hern wrote a poem about the Braves supposedly 'thin" pitching staff.

It's not that the guys were on "weight loss" - it hadn't been invented yet. It's just they were up and down with their pitching as Hern lamented.

The two reliable and more consistent pitchers were Warren Spahn and Johnny Sain, but they couldn't pitch back to back every game, thus the old saying"Give me Spahn and Sain, and pray for rain."

The Pirates seem to be having difficulty finding their own second consistent starter after Gerrit Cole. We thought it would be one of about three. But, they can't seem to recall how to win as they did in 2013 and we let Burnett get away for a sum that's considered chump change these days in professional sports.

Unfortunately, the "rain" prospects for the Pirates are as difficult to predict as their starting pitching. The talents are there. What seems to be lacking is a good sports psychologist.

We desperately need a starter who will emulate Cole and regain their memory.

Cole, our former #1 draft choice - beat the Dodgers the other day and received appropriate backup from his team.

Unfortunately, when I saw that Liriano (0-5) was the next starter up and facing a Dodger pitcher Josh Beckett who had just come off a no-hitter, I reached for the Tums.

Fortunately, Beckett was no Johnny Vander Meer.

 Liriano pitched a good (almost) 6 innings - and we got timely hits against Beckett, along with  a good bullpen performance from previously reliable guys who seem to have finally jelled.

(It's okay. I had both my fingers AND my legs crossed.)

Rooting for this years Pirates team this year has been a lot like asking Lucy van Pelt to hold the football while you attempt a field goal.

Oh, and the second  "Make Up Your Mind"?

That's for yours truly - your impatient blogger who apparently forgot what it's like to be a "good' Pirates fan - and who, by the way,  has been known to have  more than a few bad days now and then, too..

MR. FIX-IT

I readily admit I am mechanically challenged. Quite often it is my wife, Phyl who resolves what I cannot fix or install.

My latest challenge involved the latter - installing door bells on our down sized  but "comfy" Florida home.

To my credit I had done this successfully a few years ago.

Unfortunately then, I had opted to install the doorbell button on the siding next to the inside entry door to the house.

Ordinarily this location would not have been a problem; however it is necessary to reach that destination by passing through the sturdy door leading into our oversized enclosed lanai - which is usually kept locked.

Like a cat eyeing fish in an enclosed tank, visitors could peer through the lanai screen at the door bell ringer - but, couldn't reach it.

All things wear out eventually - and the doorbell ringer unfortunately passed away necessitating the purchase of a new system. Being thrifty folks, we first purchased new batteries for the existing system.(OK, my wife did), but the present system still could not be resuscitated.

I returned my first new replacement system to Walmart as it was not designed to be used with a wall plug. I then bought one that most closely resembled the deceased one.

I wrestled with the packaging for several minutes while muttering to myself, "If   NASA had used this to enclose their space capsules  - - - !"

Having struggled with the tiny print directions I discovered I was attempting to read the Spanish version.The English instructions were not much clearer.

As a result, I was confused as to which side of the flat nickel sized batteries was the positive, which it explained had to be inserted face up. The manufacturer had failed to identify same on the battery surface.

Finally, I had the ringer correctly assembled - the main housing inserted in the wall plug to assess the various selections of ring tones (I could only find 2 of the 8 advertised) and, after much puzzlement, figured out how to uncover the sticky adhesive supplied to adhere the ringer to a location of my choice.

Having confirmed the battery was properly installed and the ringer worked both inside and out of the house, I carefully selected the most user-friendly location outside the lanai entry door.

Being a careful lad, I held and tested the bell ringer once more (after the previous 15 test rings) before applying the adhesive packaging, then closed up the ringer mechanism as instructed, and pressed it onto that "just right" spot.

The ringer didn't work.

I went back in the house and read the trouble shooting small print of the limited folded instruction sheet until I came to the part which said, "Ensure push button is not mounted on metal, near metal studs, or near the floor."

I figured 2 out of 3 wasn't bad. Unfortunately, this bell ringing package installation required batting 1000 in order to be successful.

Disconnecting the ringer from the adhesive - or trying - I now discovered NASA should have purchased the adhesive as well. It wouldn't come off the door frame post despite my careful efforts with a soft cloth soaked in warm water in order not to scratch the surface.

Deciding I'd tackle that challenge later I proceeded to press the ringer package against the vinyl siding, the wooden trellis on the side of the carport, and the screen to the right of the lanai door.

Only the last attempt proved to be workable - but, not if the window behind the screening was open - which it usually is.

I discovered the ringer worked well only when clutched in my hand - as it had done previously before my initial  installation attempt. However, when pressed against the selected hard surfaces it took on the characteristics of  Marcel Marceau.

For those of you still interested, my second attempt at the adhesive removal with "goof-off" (which I successfully pre-tested in a small non-visible area per it's instructions) was also in vain. The product removed the paint from the door frame in a 25 cent wide test  area - but not the adhesive.

My wife just shook her head when surveying the damage and said (softly), "Well, you tried."

I hesitate to return the packaging for a door bell kit once more as the first question I will be asked is, "Did you open the packaging?" (As if I could determine the efficacy of the product by visual observation from outside it's indomitable plastic shell).

The doorbell?

It's now in a quite attractive petite wicker basket hanging from the lanai door knob, directly under the scotch taped sign which in bold letters proclaims:

"PLEASE REMOVE RINGER FROM BASKET, PRESS RINGER BUTTON AND HOLD FOR AT LEAST ONE SECOND."

Mr. Fixit strikes again.

IS JOHNNY CARSON BACK?

When my wife and I decided we need a break from crime shows and autopsy tables we discovered a welcome alternative - humor.

Humor is hard to define, yet I learned much about it by taking perhaps my favorite 3 credit elective course,"Contemporary Humor", a study of humor in movies, TV and books.
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The course highlighted successful comedy ingredients like timing, irony, deadpan humor, delayed takes and self-deprecation. Johnny Carson had all of these in spades.

It now appears Seth Meyers the host of "The Late Late Show" has mastered many of these key skills as well.

Meyers was weaned as a former standup comedian and 12 year head comedy writer for Saturday Night Live.

Like Carson, Meyers can often save a joke with a look - a change in posture - or a great soft clarifying follow-up line.

He is also an excellent interviewer, something that on so many of todays talk shows isn't easy to find. Too often the interviewer tends to hog the conversation.

Meyers comes across as an interested listener. While he possesses quick comedic follow-up lines, he primarily uses them in an interview as an attempt to save a nervous guest who appears to have lost his or her way.

Both Carson and Meyers were quick to recognize their show works best when they allow their sidekicks to display their own comedy skills. I'm convinced  Johnny's "Carnac" routines worked as well as they did for me due to the well timed input of Ed McMahon.

Meyers comedy counterpart is another SNL graduate, Fred Armison, actor and comedian as well as bandleader of the show's "8G Band".

Armison is a true master of deadpan humor and his reactions to Meyer's comments and questions are for us possibly the highlight of this new show.

Their almost nightly bit is that Armison is accused by Meyers of being "a man of untruths", but exposed by Meyers after much digging and so-called research.

Meyers delivers the setups by confronting Armison with defending his ridiculous claims of having started various inventive, but truly bizarre businesses.

One such example was amusement park "Clayworld" which Fred allegedly founded and where there are no rides. At least at first.

Per Armison, the rides du jour are up to the paying customers.They are encouraged to design their favorite amusement rides which they must sculpt out of multiple piles of clay, spread throughout the park.

These "rides" allegedly include Merry Go Rounds, Ferris Wheels, and the
like -or as Fred relates in his deadpan style, "Whatever the customer prefers".

Meyers, acting as the responsible and pragmatic of the two, then uses follow-up questions like,"Aren't you concerned they may fall and hurt themself?.

Fred: "They ARE  on piles of clay, you know!"

When asked by Meyers (for the assumed benefit of interested tourists) where "Clayworld" can be found, Armisons reply is "Pretty much all over Arizona."

The routine loses much through my translation.

To attempt to explain  a joke - or a comedy routine - which I just did  - you must  first assume the listener possesses a sense of humor. Sadly, many do not.

This is clearly visual comedy and would probably not work as well on radio.

Again, what is necessary to make the routines work is the combination of  the "delay takes" mastered by both Carson and Meyers, coupled with Armison's toothy"deadpan" replies.

If dry humor and well timed deadpan reactions are your thing - hop aboard - but, as I learned long ago, they are clearly not for everyone.

It seems both are an acquired taste by the listener. I liken them to the enjoyment of sipping Single Malt Scotch, VSOP Cognac, or down here in Florida, "Piledrivers." - a combination of Vodka and Prune Juice

Despite that caveat , the early returns, at least in the Sullivan household suggest: "Carson may be back".

THE JEW QUESTION

Racism: (1) a belief that race is the primary determinant  of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race. (2) racial prejudice or discrimination.

Irony: a pretense of ignorance and of willingness to learn from another assumed in order to make the other's false conceptions conspicous by adroit questioning - called also "Socratic irony.'

I started this blog about an hour after the conclusion of NBA Commissioner Adam Silver's "sterling" (I apologize) news conference in which Silver displayed a strength much needed in professional sports leadership.

I "bagged" the original blog in recognition of a need to cool off. I also wondered if I was overreacting to a solitary question which I perceived to be yet one more example of racism in our society.

Here's the media question asked of Silver during the Q&A session ( as annotated by one media source):

 "You spoke about your personal response to (Sterlings racist remarks and his subsequent punishment) in terms of Donald Sterling self-identifying as Jewish, and you doing the same as well. I'm wondering if there is a specific kind of pain associated with that for you, and if you felt a certain responsibility within the Jewish community to be responding to this in this way."

Silver's excellent reply was short and to the point": I think my response was as a human being."

My question - why the question? By the very definition of racism doesn't it beg an interpretation of more racism - the very heart of the whole matter under discussion and the subject of the news conference?

Innocent? Racist? Ironic? You decide.

It's doubtful you'll read much about the question in the mainstream media. However, I did some research online and was pleased that the question posed by Howard Megdal - who is with "Sports on Earth - and is also Jewish - did receive some comment.

One unknown writer from "Heeb Media"  (which by itself could be seen as offensive by some . Perhaps in the media it's like being OK if one Afro-American addresses another Afro - American by using the "N-word"), described his reaction to the question:

"Ah Ha! A Scoop. Jews feel Jewishly about other Jews! Or Something."

Another by respondent Abby Sherman Rosthenthiler: " So, it would seem only certain groups can be offended by racist comments? Hmmm."

My question, "What did this question have to do with anything that was decided, and did it make any difference if Sterling, the reporter, and/or the commissioner are Jewish? You see, to me that's racist.

Is it OK to put one entire race of people (The Jews) in the same basket but wrong if you do it to Afro-Americans? Why are we relying on inclusiveness to determine the traits of one race simply by the actions or words of one or more individuals?

Does this not fit the definition of racism in "Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary?"

My immediate reaction to the question was "What the Hell is wrong with people in the media?"

But, that would be an inclusive question, as well. Right?

MAIL TIME

I love mail time. Not regular mail . That's just bills and circulars.

No, I'm talking about the really good mail - spam mail. 

The most recent spam I received today was entitled "View pics of 50+ singles in your city".

Apprently wrinkles are making a comeback.

But in my neighborhood - living in a senior community - everybody's got wrinkles. You see them everywhere - including in my mirror..

My spam folder suggests I'm still a popular guy. My B.F.F spam pal is apparently PCH as they send me two or three e-mails every day practically guaranteeing me financial success.

There are also other people who think of me often, as well, and are quite eager to help me out in my senior days.

First, they tell me I can earn money by taking any one of several surveys offered daily. Sounds too easy.

I can also view a video of a weight loss spray as seen on ABC's "shark tank". I have a feeling Pittsburghs' Mark Cuban passed on that one.

Some spam mails are puzzling for the less discerning - like me - apparently.

For example, I'm still agonizing over my decision not to open the one entitled "Amish wood milk - 100 year old formula."

Naturally, fearing I'd receive an unwanted virus, I also passed on the spam mail  that was sent to me by someone who was apparently ambivalent that day:

" Naughty Nurses & 50% off for Cinco de Mayo".

I married one of the former - and love the one I got.

But, I always have PCH and their eternal promise: "The Prize Patrol may be coming your way."

That's much more exciting than "naughty nurses" anyday.

UNSOLICITED ADVICE"

Like most of you, I receive a lot of unsolicited "lifestyle advice" in my junk e-mails. Most I glance at and then pitch.

But, one I received recently was not only interesting, but timely.

It reminded me, from time to time we need to review the life lessons we learned,  from a parent, teacher, or mentor and/or possibly just our life experience. I hope you'll agree.

Here are a few of my favorites.

1. "Stop spending time with the wrong people." ( I  agree
 and decided  to practice that one again, not that long ago.)

 "Life is too short to spend time with people who suck
 the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their
 life, they'll make room for you.

 You  shouldn't have to fight for a spot."

 (To that one I add, "too many people misinterpret our
 kindness for weakness.")

 2. "Stop trying to hold on to the past".You can't start
 the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your
 last one." ( I plead guilty).

 3. "Stop berating yourself for old mistakes." (a possible corollary to "2".)

(Why should we  waste so much time committing this
mistake, simply because there are way too many unhappy
people out there who are so willing to do it for us.

Why not use the time constructively and start a positive
list? What are the things you do right? What do you do
when someone pays you a compliment ?  Save them.

The author clarified this last "tip" which I've paraphrased slightly.

(a) "There is merit in making mistakes, as it happens to all
of us, and by making them, it helps us to find the person
and things that are right for us." (Been there - Done that!)

(b)   "We need to realize that we are NOT our mistakes, we
 are NOT our struggles, and we are here NOW with
 the power to shape our day and our future.

(c)   "Mistakes in our life are preparing us. Everything that
ever happened to us is preparing us for a moment that is
yet to come."

This one caused me to pause and smile as I  recalled a
100 year old female friend who I was visiting in a
nursing home years ago. Despite her advanced age she
was still sharp and had retained a delightful sense of humor.

During that visit she confided she had no clue why
she was "still around."

I did what I assume most of us would have done and tried
to ease her discomfort by offering, "Perhaps God still has
something for you to do".

She quickly responded: "Tell God, I've done enough.
Get somebody else!"

I'll keep one of my favorites (4) "Stop holding grudges"
for a later blog.

Enough unsolicited advice. Now it's time for me to
practice it.

IT'S ALL ABOUT TIMING!

I'll admit that I'm not always the sharpest knife in the drawer. In fact, if truth be known, sometimes I miss the drawer altogether

Perhaps that's why the most recent constantly changing Supreme Court ruling on campaign finance limits has me puzzled.

I mean, I wasn't done struggling with the "United" decision when along came "McCutcheon" - which I think said, by loosening up how much you and I kick in to politicans we have increased our "free speech"  as guaranteed by the First Amendment."

You see, dumb me, I thought I already had enough free speech. I sure didn't know there was a "food pyramid" like measurement out there somewhere.

 So, please help me here, is expanding free speech now like pouring STP into your gas tank to extend your engine life?

Maybe, free speech is like purchasing a P.L.U.P where you meet with your insurance guy or gal to determine just how much coverage you need in order to be completely protected from lawsuits.

Then I started thinking, "What is the difference between "free speech" and "bought and paid for speech" - has that changed too?"

I openly confess I value my current level of "free speech". It's why I can write some of the outrageous things I do, and still have them published.

What if that changes too? Right now it's free, but do I have to get on-board in order to retain - or even possibly increase - my amount of free speech in the blog world?

Is there someone out there in the blog publishing business who might guarantee my right to even more free speech if I would just be willing to kick in a few shekels?

Then, the insecure kid in me came back and I foolishly wondered: "If I do that, couldn't it be interpreted as some subtle form of bribery?"

You see, I don't want to go to jail if  I do this wrong.

Besides, I'm not all that sure increasing the size of my P.L.U.P  coverage is any guarantee I'll be adequately protected from bribery charges.

So, I thought maybe I should look up the definition of  bribery, since honestly, (no pun intended) in my confused world, I'm a little shaky on this whole idea about giving folks money in order to protect my rights.

I asked myself, "Self, where is it going to stop?"

Will I now start seeing TV ads from Supreme Court members soliciting contributions similar to the current political ads we're constantly bombarded with?

If so, will the format be similar to the deliterious attorney advertisements we're buried with seeking our money under the guise of protecting us from the evil insurance companies?

Perhaps I should immediately contact Amazon.com and go online to order up the latest musical CD, "The Best of Justice Roberts and The Supremes"?

Now, there's a "cookie" that just might protect me.

More determined than ever to do "the right thing", and desperately seeking answers, I finally did look up the definition of what I used to think was called "bribery."

I found two of them: "An act of giving money or gift giving that alters the behavior of the recipient."

I thought, "Isn't that what most individual campaign donors and PAC's want?"

But, that wasn't enough for me. I wanted the true "legal" definition. So, I sought out the one in Black's Law Dictionary.

I wanted to be sure I was getting "the real scoop!"

"Black" defines bribery as: "The offering, giving, receiving, or soliciting of any item of value to influence the actions of an official or other person in charge of public or legal duty."

Now, surely you can understand - sharp knife or not - I'm more puzzled than ever.

And, poor "Boss Tweed". He has to be spinning in his grave.

Sorry, "Tweedy Bird" - it's all about timing!