I WASN'T THERE . . . . . .

(Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?)

I WASN'T THERE:

So, I cannot possibly determine what a so-called jury of my peers was thinking.

So, I cannot know whether or not the fact that the alleged trainer kept going to jail rather than testifying ever entered into their consciousness.

So, I have no idea how a jury who hears no denial of steroid use by the defense, and hears the sworn testimony of an alleged eye witness of having seen his trainer injecting him, can't seem to agree 100% he was being injected in a 11 to 1 vote finding that he was.

So, I don't know how much - or if at all - race entered into a decision by a juror named Nyiesha that she would become the only one of 12 who was a holdout on the second count of perjury; the one that alleged Bonds lied when he said only doctors injected him.

So, I don't even know if that same juror is black.

So, I don't know how the government decided it was worth an investment of $6 Mil (before the trial)and then declined to call several former MLB players to testify.

So, I don't know why the judge refused to allow a tape alleging a conversation with the trainer who is supposedly admitting he injected the defendent with steroids.

So, I don't know why the prosecution decided to drop the 4th count of perjury and asked the judge to do so and then lost on the remaining three perjury counts.

So, I don't know that the prosecutions decision above plus the actions of the one holdout - that resulted in a 11-1 not guilty verdict on that charge- demonstrates cluelessness on the part of the prosecution - including the voir dire.

So, I don't know if you are found by a jury of your peers not to have perjured yourself - how did you manage to obstruct justice?

So, I don't know if it is impossible for prosecutors to convict - and maintain that conviction - against any sports figure of that magnitude and statistical record acquisition.

So, I don't know if a former record holding pitcher is grinning from ear to ear.

So, I don't know whether a matter determined to be so important by the Justice Department to spend $6 million + should be heard by a three judge panel - instead of a jury of his/her peers.

So, I don't know if you're the prosecutors team that a healthy part of the six million might not have been better spent on hiring a good defense attorney for your side.

So, I don't know whether a matter alleged to be this important to our kids future will have any positive or negative impact based on the final outcome - nor do I understand how 3 out of 4 USA Today sports reporters said they will vote for Barry Bond's admission to the Hall Of Fame when he becomes eligible in two years.

So, obviously, I don't know whether or not when this defendents head and body became the size of King Kong's he really believed it might be time to cut back on the flaxseed oil and arthritis balm.

ONE I KNOW I'LL PROBABLY REGRET

The other day Phyl and I were watching the final round of the Masters down at a local restaurant.

It was about that time Tiger Woods put on his big splurge. I found it truly exciting.

I was asked by the female server with a quizzical stare if I was a "Tiger Fan" - and replied," I sincerely regret what he has done with his personal life - but, I am amazed at what he has been able to do with a golf club and a ball."

"So you're rooting for him?," she asked.

"It's nice to root for the underdog every now and then" - I replied.

The man has done some dumb things - the least of which may be swearing on the golf course. Yet he was questioned again recently about profanity by some British reporter at the Masters in hope that the AP would pick up his copy.

And, to be honest I think I heard him say either damn or hell when he misplayed a drive on one of the following holes after he had knocked 5 strokes from par. But, then again "maybe it was aw shucks!"

How do we know he swears on the course? Because he is miked-up constantly.

The good guys, you know your basic friendly network types - know if he is caught uttering a profanity it will make great news. It is as strange to me that no other golfer is heard to talk immediately after a bad shot as it is how the networks always seem to be able to make us hear those birds that are constantly chirping.

When and if profanity is determined to be a removable offense on public courses and clubs in this country - Billy Graham may be the only one able to obtain a prime tee time for the remainder of his life.

And the rest of the control freaks won't be very far behind him.

Tiger Woods is a celebrity who has made mistakes and will continue to do so if he's anything like yours truly.

But, the guy has multiple affairs and all women now decide they hate him?

How much of that is about Tiger - and how much of it is about the women? If you are a woman who has an ex-spouse who had multiple affairs with other women, "I truly feel your pain!"

Over 50 years ago my Mom decided she was no longer going to listen to Frank Sinatra after he divorced his wife, Nancy but, I think I'll let that one go.

However, with Tiger I think there is a lot of other garbage involved.

You want to say, "I don't know fo sure but maybe it cause he black and we all know how that kind like to cheat and run around."

Not only is he black - he's militant. Right? Well, he must be. Look how he gets all riled up when people keep bringing up the worst Thanksgiving weekend in Florida history.

Is he militant? Hell, I don't know. Is Newt Gingrich militant? How about Elliot Spitzer? If they're militant,and despite their dubious history of fidelity, we award one with a Televison show and the other with a possible endorsement to become our next President.

"Oh, you'd rather not go there?"

Now, some may read that and what is about to follow and say it's obvious I've become some sort of a black sympathizer. I'm not - but, what if I were? Is it any worse than being a racist who goes to church every Sunday?

I see a tremendous similarity in ways many people treat Tiger Woods and their President, Barack Obama. They are both tall, fairly attractive,eloquent well built black men; one of whom still has a wife and two kids.

Not too many years ago neither man would have been allowed to play a golf round at Augusta . And, I don't mean Maine.

Like most Presidents - most recently - our sad "white bread" hope George W - Obama has made some tremendous mistakes.

One of them was underestimating how much this country is afraid of Muslims despite all of his attempts to waive the olive branch to every Muslim controlled country in the middle east.

But, he sure as Hell does not deserve to have people - like a good friend of mine - sending out E-mails showing a picture of him depicted as the baby of two baboons.

THIS FUNNY COUNTRY

I knew today was going to be a bad day.

Apparently during the night I had installed a new toilet paper roll and had done so incorrectly. Why would anyone want the T/P to drop down from the back of the roll?

So, your response is TMI about T/P - right?

Actually, there is a lot of that going on. Getting confused - I mean.

I reviewed my E -mail today and discovered there are people out there who want to find me luxury living - but affordable - senior housing.

Of course, there are also those folks who desperately want to help me improve my stream.

So many people wanting to help me out - I'm starting to feel like Andy Rooney.

As always, after my review of the side summations to the left of each section of my USA Today, I head to the editorial pages.

Here again - people who want to help.

One writer, from Perryburg Ohio suggested we need to be more corporate friendly: "Let's all remember that when taxes, fees or even regulations are put on a business, that business often must raise it's prices to compensate - or close it's doors."

Hmmm, heretofore I thought only AIG and a few other financial institutions with familiar names - were too big to fail. Now, it's all companies.

What really bothered me is that the writer's choice of syntax reminded me very much of that I noticed in a recent op-ed piece by John Boehner, Speaker of the House.

No doubt just one of those weird "coincidinks"

One guy from Bluefield, W. Va was upset about college coaches salaries: "Faithful fans and supporters need to help stop the buck. Quit supporting such imbalance. Why are these coaches so much more important than you? You can choose to keep your money in your bank account rather than giving it to theirs!"

Obviously, some in beautiful W. Va. are still angry about coaches that cheat and run - taking the majority of the spoils with them. Should the Mountaineers miraculously appear in the BCS Championship- the powers that be need to know there's one guy who won't be watching the game.

I am however, encouraged that he thinks I still have money in my bank account to keep.

Another writer from Ohio is upset at our questionable treatment of the Florida pastor who set fire to the Quran (spelling optional) in protest of the killings in Afghanistan by Muslim extremists: "Why not put the blame where it belongs - on people who did the killings? Apparently the reader (referencing another prior editorial respondee) would blame the gun store owner for legally selling a gun to someone who later commits a crime with it instead of blaming the lawbreaker."

You got to love someone who has the ability to compartmentalize stupidity.

Another writer - this one from Tennessee- wants us to ignore folks like the good Reverend -who's out there burning qurans - suggesting that if the news media and the public completely ignored 'them' (his funeral protesting followers), not even looking at them when they protest in their despicable manner - we would probably soon see them sinking off into oblivion".

Let's see. That would be until the Reverend and his flock see the light, burn Bibles and start marching outside of Muslim Mosques with signs of encouragement and support?

I will say if burning Bibles is inevitable I hope they limit it to the King James version. It's one real tough bugger of a read.

That's about it. Time to turn that ugly dysfunctional toilet paper dispenser around.

You got to have priorities- no matter how funny our country's citizens may be.

E-MAIL SPRING CLEANING

Pithy comments strained from recent E-mails. Somebody has a good sense of humor - even if a little cracked.

"Blessed are the cracked - for they let in the light"

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. So, I said, "Implants?"She smacked me."

"Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference."

"My wife and I divorced over religious differences. I thought I was God - she didn't."

Sign I'd like to see: "Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere."

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press Ctrl Alt Delete and start all over?

"I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on."

Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school - but they can in prison?

"When I was a kid I used to go "skinny dipping - now I just "chunky dunk."

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

"You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me."

(My favorite) "Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?"

THINK! IT'S NOT ILLEGAL,YET...

My thanks for the above advice from the folks over at Braden Dental and their billboard on Interstate 70.

I THINK:

I think God blessed me with some great kids.

I think I know why Dad got so much pleasure out of just sitting on my back patio.

I think someday all the "illegals" hoopla will go the way of Zoot Suits - but never Zoot Sims, of course.

I think I wish my respect for Senators and Supreme Court Judges would return to how I felt about them when I was a much younger man.

I think I wish that drivers tests would include an exercise about the use of turn signals - and flunk people who did not know they had them.

I think that watching a 13 month grandchild discover life's treasures is a hoot.

I think anybody claiming to like jazz should have a copy of Paul Desmonds "Bossa Antigua" in their collection - and then turn off the lights while playing it.

I think we waste way too much time worrying about how other people view us.

I think everybody should be able to live 6 & 6 in Florida and whereever.

I think also that there must be a good way to export pollen to Mexico.

I think when a new study contradicts one for which we changed our way of living, the scholars who came up with the wrong conclusions should be shot.

I think we should spend more time educating our kids - and less time blaming them.

I think dentistry should come up with new dental appliances that make food taste as good as it once did.

I think everybody considering divorce should be required to first take turns washing the undies for six months. That's when you realize the one who was previously doing the task - really loves you.

I think all the people who love the Oldies E-mails should take time to remember all the things we "didn't" have back in the "good old days". Life's not a Chinese menu.

I think that any national political party that can't get it together in 4 years should be dissolved.

I think I need to stop thinking now. My head hurts.

LIAR, LIAR - HMMMM, PANTS DON'T LOOK TOO BAD!

I truly love this country but, do admit to having a fetish regarding liars. I can't stand them - but, may need to clarify my position here.

All of us have lied at one time or another. I had one friend back in the 60's who, when I questioned her about something she had told me, claimed, "That's not lying - that's mental reservation." Here's somebody who paid attention in catechism classes.

I liked that. The issue was not all that important and it suggested a certain amount of ingenuity on her part.

Unfortunately, the practice - 50 years later- of spinning, failing to reveal important facts (mental reservation?) or, of juggling the words to mislead someone, has become a strong candidate for Horse of the Year in a race against the favorite, "Outright Lying".

Where is the Fels Naptha laundry soap when you really need it?

In a past blog I related a story about another woman who's precocious son was persistent in demanding to know something. After observing several Santa Clauses while shopping with Mom in downtown Pittsburgh he insisted, "There really is no Santa Claus, right Mom?"

After much deliberation she said, "You're right honey. There is no Santa Claus."

The son was "destroyed" and continued to cry until Mom recanted, saying,"Please don't cry. Mommy lied."

I'll never forget that story and it's impact. I was the son and cried all the way back to my college classes at Grove City - uncertain which of Mom's statements was the real lie.

OK, I "lied" about the last part in a feeble attempt to inject some humor into the story - and, that's part of the problem in today's society: "When is a lie - a lie?"

It's getting harder and harder to determine what a lie is; and whether the person relating something is as Gabby Hayes often said, " a goshdarn polecat liar- dagnabbit!"

To make it even more difficult in these litigious times, we now anxiously await the Supreme Court to eventually inform us whether or not the telling of a lie is protected by the First Amendment- Freedom of Speech.

Now to all of you men who have instructed your kids to tell a telephone caller you're not home, or even extending the possible consequences to females in the bedroom - this could get pretty scary.

Fortunately, the subject of the litigation is not "convenient" lies. It is whether or not someone wrongfully claiming military service to get a job and later presenting the requisite supporting medals, is protected by the Constitution as simply exercising his or her free speech.

Now, my own emphasis here is for me to keep from lying by suggesting that the subject of this blog and my treatment of same is an example of original journalism.

I have to admit to having read an excellent discussion of the subject this morning in a Washington Post column by Robert Barnes ("The High Court: Is lying protected speech? Military-medal case on track for Supreme Court?")- (Sunday March 27, 2011)

The subject is intriguing. Is lying unconstitutional? The Valor Act was passed by Congress in 2005 to address the apparent increase in folks falsely insisting they were distinguished members of the Armed Forces - with the use of someone elses medals to apparently advance their claims.

The Act allows for a fine and/or a six month prison term. Apparently the impact of the Act has not scared people off. Perhaps it's the appeal of 3 square meals a day in a cushy prison during a tough economy.

This blogger has seen no sign that we are experiencing a rapid ascent along a continuom toward the resumption of telling the truth. However, there is no denying the subject matter has gained considerable interest in certain quarters.

Barry Bonds current trial regarding lying to a Grand Jury about his use of steroids while under oath, is in all the papers. Roger Clemons trial regarding lying to Congress is on the horizon.

If one can get past the titillating testimoney of Bond's 9 year mistress during the period of his two marriages as to how taking steroids changed the size of "his junk" as well as his sexual performance - we may eventually find out if he lied - or not.

Apparently this alleged lie is important based on the news the government invested $6 million in their attempts to prosecute him for doing so. Bonds appears to have more attorneys involved than the government so one assumes he has some interest in the subject as well.

Lying to the government appears to carry more "No-No" than simply lying about a non-existant service record and buying medals in a pawn shop.

It definitely surpasses in importance of either mental reservation or tall tales about the existance of St. Nick.

Stay tuned for the Supremes to make a decision. In the meantime, let's find out if Sir Barry's pants are on fire or not.

LIFE'S QUIRKS - HOLLYWOOD IN POLITICS?

We recently enjoyed a political cartoon by Tom Toles in the Washington Post. It showed the GOP elephant in his polka dot boxers.

The robust tusked one is pictured attempting to pick one outfit containing dozens and dozens of suits from an open closet that is marked "2012 Candidates".

The balloon over the elephant reads: "But, not one of them fits."

If you're a registered Republican - like myself - you've got to be asking, "Why not?" Why is it so seemingly difficult for a political party that had an elected President in charge for 8 years, appear now, over two years later - to not be able to find a viable candidate?

Why this apparent lack of locomotion four full months since the successful midterms after which their Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell declared, "Our primary goal now is to see to it Obama doesn't serve a second term."

Would you agree with me that's a little like putting the cart before the horse? It would seem finding a viable platform and a candidate might be an even better start to their campaigning.

Is it possible that the GOP brass is still seeking someone with the credentials of attractive seniors like Al Dole or John McClain - their two most recent failures wrapped around "two term George"?

The GOP braintrust seems to find it difficult to forego old ideas. As a result they have po'd most of the union members in this country. So, let's forget that crossover vote.

Their success with appealing to the rest of the country by controlling illegal immigration is laughable due largely to the successful lobbying efforts of the US Chamber of Commerce, a Republican stalward.

People once compared the Republican party to the "old" CBS network that seemed hellbent on selecting only programming that would appeal to older Americans.

Since that time CBS demographics suggest they are the most creative network in coming up with successful new shows that appeal to a multi-generational audience.

Recent TV hits include CBS's "The Good Wife"- "Hawaii 50"- "The Defenders","The Blue Bloods","NCIS LA" & "The Defenders" to go along with with old favorites "NCIS", and their "CSI's" operating out of every location with the possible exception of Wilmerding, Pa.

Perhaps,it's now time for the Republican Party to start picking their presidential candidate from CBS's lineup. May I be the first to suggest LL Cool J from "NCIS LA", Tom Selleck from "Blue Bloods", or Mark Harmon from "NCIS"?

OK;I know. LL's clearly out of the question for the Grand "Old" Party. He's a person of color. They had a Secretary of State with that distinction who lost favor becaue he had the gall to disagree with short white politicians.

But, let's give some thought to Selleck. We know he's never served as the Governor of California and, being the fictional NYC Police Commissioner won't cut it either. However, like Reagan, he's good looking - eloquent - tall - funny etc. Besides,in his new hit show,he appears to dye his hair also.

If not that route, how about an ex-quarterback turned actor from a quaint university out in California and who still wows the women - "NCIS" star Mark Harmon?

If you could pull him away from his image of building a boat in his basement while disdaining power tools - and getting shot up occasionally - he seems like a natural choice to make the transfer from NCIS in Washington, DC over to The White House.

The GOP should choose one of them as their candidate. They're tried and true actors who memorize their lines every week.. That's certainly preferable to having to remind Sarah and Newt that what they just said is the complete opposite of what they were quoted as telling CBS's Face The Nation, 10 days ago

Both actors seem to appeal to the ladies and some of them still vote. There is no doubt in this blogger's mind they could not possibly have made more ridiculous Presidential candidate choices than the men in power at the GOP.

Women vote for women too. So, the GOP might also want to consider starting a groudswell movement for Michele Bachman the beautiful House Representatve from Minnesota. Remember: selecting a person who didn't know what they were talking about got them a guy who enabled the party to tread water for two "fool" terms.

Good looks sell - ask CBS.

If asked to talk to the GOP brass (right before pigs fly) I would say, "Once you get your most recently elected GOP party chairman to go the way of his misguided predecessors, it still might not be too late to choose CBS CEO Les Moonves,as your next Republican Party Chairman.

He picked those successful TV shows, turned the old network around and has a lot of time on his hands now that he doesn't have to deal with Charlie Sheen until the unlikely trial date.

Don't give up on LL Cool J, either.

Keep in mind: That "LL" still stands for: "Ladies Like Cool J."