SPORTS EXPERT

("These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief'.)

Recently, while still a huge Steelers football fan,I couldn't resist temporarily suspending my fandom so I might steal a peek at what the Pittsburgh Pirates "brain trust" were up to. I still like my Buccos - particularly if I'm over-medicated.

 I played a little baseball as a kid- at least enough to understand the rules. I also  listened carefully for years to the intricate explanations of the rules and strategy of ghe game from Pirate announcers Bob Prince and Rosy Roswell. In addition, I went to a lot of Pirate games at Forbes Field and Three Rivers both as a youth and an adult.

If truth be known, my wife Phyl was a better athlete than me at the high school level. My compensation as an septugenarian egotistical Irishman is that she is quite sports savvy and a delight to be with as we watch and discuss my two favorite Pittsburgh teams on TV.

My football participation was mostly limited to the sandlot variety - often played  on the lawn of the Presbyterian Church in Forest Hills. The "field" was not level - probably closer to 45 degrees - but it was all we had.

I recall that once I tried to tackle neighbor Mike Colbus from behind as he was running uphill. I ended up getting kicked in the eye and acquired a beautiful multi-hued shiner.

I proudly bragged to my schoolmates - particularly the girls - that this was "my football injury". And it actually was, much in the same way as a guy will talk up his "football injury" and accompanying limp - which actually occurred when he hit the flask once too often and fell out of the stands at a high school game.

At Duquesne University, I played one game of intramural football on an asphalt surface somewhere around Canevin Hall. This was before Duquesne resumed college football competetion.

I was a beanpole and really not equipped to play for either a varsity or intramural team. Yet, someone talked me into it.

My intramural coach, in his infinite wisdom, decided that this skinny reincarnation of  "Reddy Killowat" - the Duquesne Light Company's mascot - should be the starting center for his team.

I was not in agreement with this coaching decision but no college student wants to be accused of "being chicken." - instead, as in this case, we often end up being "hammered veal."

My fears proved valid when, on the third play, immediately after I centered the ball, the Goliath lineman on the opposite side of the ball literally picked me up - turned me upside down  - and dropped me on my unprotected head.

My college football career was over - along with any previous knowledge I might have had of the game prior to my head trauma. I do occasionally recognize a screen pass and the actions of a "pulling guard" - but, that's about it.

Despite this, my cheering and criticism during a game is designed to suggest more than a passing knowledge of the sport. Tain't so. I choose to admit this failing only to a special few like yourself.

By that I'm saying I most likely do not  understand all of the intricacies of plays called or some of  the wisdom of the coaching moves made by the Steelers. This includes their  drafting decisions - as well as who Tomlin, Haley, & LeBeau choose to put on the field at any given time. Thus, my football criticism in this blog is rather sparse.

Contrary to this confession about football, I feel no hesitation to criticize the decisions of Neal Huntington, the GM of the Pittsburgh Pirates.

The reasons may be simple. The Steelers win - The Pirates do not.

So, when I see that the Pirates decided to sign a guy who hit .221 last year for 17 million over two years - (with a 2 million dollar signing bonus) - before he puts on any of the tools of ignorance for us atop his Pirate uniform I hope and pray a lot.

 When I note they also opted to non-tender a pitcher who had a ER in the 3 plus range - I ask myself: "Self, what's going on?

 Was it a case of let's make the big announcement first and make up for the outlay by non-tendering others? Who know what the Pirates brass - (and what a fitting description) - have in mind?

You see, I can offer these incisive baseball observations because of my baseball expertise.Let me revel you via my exciting tales of yesteryear.

While my football days at Duquesne were less than sensational, I did play pony league baseball in Edgewood for a guy whose name was Ned Mellon.

I know this to be true because I still have a picture of me in myMellon's uniform, head hung low to confirm my shyness, and my glove dangling at my side. The uniform was about two sizes too big on a physique that suggested a vague history of bulimia.

Despite this slightly damaged image, I excelled as an outfielder on Ned's team.
Unfortunately, we had no such league position as a "designated outfielder. I was required to bat. This was only mildly successful until the pitchers on the other teams learned how to throw a curveball.

Later as my body filled out, I retained some speed, and acquired some desperately needed self-confidence, I enjoyed  several years of slow pitch and semi-fast softball participation  - sometimes playing for two or more teams in the same season.

Therefore, I am proud to announce, should the Pirates decide to regroup as a slo-pitch softball organization, a concept that has been promoted quite often by their "fans" - I shall be only too happy to share my knowledge and observations in these blogs as a bonafide "sports expert".