NEW YEAR DISCARDS

A friend from Pittsburgh was kind enough to praise my writing.

Honest, there are many other reasons I think of him as a friend - but, that will do for now.
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A guy who was apparently into nostalgia asked me recently, "Do you know the name of the female Borden's cow?"

My reply was, "Elsie"

He then inquired, "Okay, what was the name of her husband?"

I said, "Elmer, of course."

He thought for a minute and then asked, "Ever wonder why cows get married?"

I muttered something about "animal husbandry' and got away as quickly as possible.
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Some good E-mails to discard now and start anew:

"An elderly couple were taking a stroll when a bird flies past and relieves himself on the woman's head.

"Yech! cries the woman, "Quick get me some tissues."

"What for?", the man asks. "He must be half-a-mile away by now!"
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My granddaughter asked my wife what it was like to be old. My wife said, "Put cotton in your ears and pebbles in your shoes. Pull on rubber gloves. Smear vaseline over your glasses. And, there you have it: instant Old Age."
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"If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?"
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To my son, Michael: "Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?"
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Doing some cleaning recently and paused to wonder, "How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?"
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Love the new vacuum cleaner we purchased up in Pittsburgh. But, again I wondered, "Why do we keep running over a string a dozen times with our vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacumn one more chance?"
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Finally, while reading the constantly changing poll results from Iowa, I wondered why we get so excited about the results.

During the NBA strike the polls constantly told us that a very large % of the people polled claimed to "care less" whether the matter was ever resolved - and the TV viewing numbers since the strike settled have never been higher."
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That's enough wondering for this old guy.

Happy New Year.