Some notable quotes

"There is a new type of alarm clock on the market. It makes no noise. it uses lights and get's brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of those. It's called a window."
Jay Leno

"If at first you don't succeed - so much for skydiving."
Henny Youngman.

"Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family - in another city".
George Burns

The waitress was refilling cups of coffee when she stopped at the table next to ours. "Regular?", she asked her customer. "Yes, thank you," said the man. "Due to a steady diet of fruit."
Readers Digest

"Money isn't everything, but, it sure keeps you in touch with your children."
J.P Getty

"Unexpected money is a delight. The same sum is a bitterness when you expected more."
Mark Twain.

"The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed."
(Anonymous)

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
(Anonymous)

Final story:

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die, " he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But, I thought you hated Bob", She said.

With his last breath John said, "I do."

Enjoy!