BOUND TO HAPPEN

Let's face it. We all knew it was bound to happen.

A rumor is "afloat" (as you will) that a petition has been sent to Baseball Commissioner Bud Seligs office demanding a name change for the Pittsburgh Pirates. (PP)

It was filed by a group claiming to represent The Pirates Of Somalia. (TPOS). The gist of the petition is that the PP are giving TPOS and pirates everywhere a bad name due to it's obvious lack of a winning record and aggressive behavior on the field of play over several years. (Note they say "aggressive" not "offensive".)

They reference the consistent unwillingness of PP pitchers to pitch high and inside as just one example in support of their conclusion. They also speak to allowing outfielder - and leading base "stealer" Nyger Morgan - to be shipped off to "The Washington Generals" (sic).

Frank Drake IX, the spokesperson of the group, claims: "The "softie" identification with the PP name is also a constant affront to our members as well as their ancestors."

He cites the willingness of several sports teams to make changes of their previous names in deference to the demands of small indigenous native american groups who "apparently were shut out of casino largesse and had a lot of time on their hands".

(It was interesting they did not observe this fate has yet to have befallen the Washington Redskins - whose owners adroitly argued they were named after a vegetable - clearly a half baked allegation -but one that received massive legislative support.)

Drake included a tape of a sample negotiation demand conversation with Greek shipping magnates: "We are the Pirates. You have to give us 10 million dollars if you ever expect to get your hijacked oil tanker back. Otherwise, we will set it on fire." You then hear the sound of raucous laughter from the Greek shipping magnates, followed by a dial tone.

It seems the shippers made the same misidentification that is the focus of the petition. They assumed it was our PP, a floundering sports organization that appeared to be seeking non-reportable income for the purpose of becoming "The New Pirates Of The Caribbean". (TNPOTC)

It was an honest mistake.

You see, the shipping owners have relatives in the food concession business in Pittsburgh who continue to return to their native land on vacation. Each year these relations have loudly lamented the lack of any agressive behavior by their beloved PP's - resulting in decreased fan attendance and a dramatic fall off of Baklava sales at the stadium.

TPOS in their petition do cite as an encouraging example of promising local piracy the possible unwillingness of the PP management to open their books to the people of Pittsburgh. They concede it certainly would be a positive sign - but perhaps a case of , "too little - too late."

To further this argument they remind Bud that neither the performance of the team nor the actions of it's ownership seem to have attracted his interest, let alone the other MLB owners.

The following scary but plausible closing argument was related to us by an individual privy to the negotiations, but not authorized to speak publicly:

"Due to the association the name "pirates" now has with your sports team, we have become the Rodney Dangerfields of Larceny (RDOL) . We simply are getting no respect.

It's getting tougher and tougher to make a dishonest buck! Should you fail to capitulate to our demands, the only viable option for us may be to purchase our own MLB team - recoup our losses - and enjoy the anti-trust protection afforded others."

We should point out the petitioners were not without their conciliatory advances at first. Noting Pittsburgh's fondness for outlandish alliteration in the form of the Pittsburgh Pirates, Penguins, and long departed Pipers, etc; they offered alternative choices.

They suggested as a more accurate name selection: The Pittsburgh Pansies, Pip Squeaks, Pushovers, Pee-Wees, Putrids, and P---ants, as well as what seemed to this writer to be another valid alternative name choice.

Drake claimed that should their petition be accepted by MLB and, what they saw as an absolutely appropriate substitute name be chosen, they will voluntarily erect a statute in honor of the long suffering PP fans : A 17 foot "Plaster of Paris Pigeon" to be located in the middle of Market Square.

I say, "Go for It. It's good for tourism and it would be "a steal".