THE DOCTOR'S IN?

This is the time of year for reviewing the past year, celebrating the birth of Jesus, and filling out new patient sheets at the doctors.

I gather up my list of medications and vitamins with all the care I would give to mom's grocery list for Dicoskey's market. They then give me my "'new" patient form to complete. I still think the purpose of this is to keep you from noticing the magazine about the "Red Sox Miracle" or the one headlined, "Nixon Resigns".

Recently I negotiated a compromise with our dentists' receptionist. I could read over the questions and mark "no change" if appropriate. I did so right after the question: date of birth?

I like to sit in the corner of the examining room. From there I can see when the doctor removes the chart from the rack outside the door. I love it when they scratch their head - trying to remember who the hell I am.

I recently mentioned to a doctor's assistant that, after several visits, I did not recall ever meeting the doctor.

In about 6 seconds the doctor appeared - in scrubs - was extremely hospitable and offered myself and my family weekend passes to Disney. I appreciated the sensitivity but it was innocent - on both sides. The day I see the PA is the same day the doctor operates.

Our family physician doctor has a practice comprised of mostly seasoned patients. My favorite doctor day visit is "The Senior Human Chain Bracelet Dance". The lab tech finally comes out from the lab. He/she reads from a clipboard the numbers of the "not too patiently waiting" patients who are now permitted to come inside to have our blood "drawn."

Then, like the 7 dwarfs heading off for the mines, we shuffle off inside the hall to our assigned chairs. One guy picked the wrong chair. They hauled him out of there by his ear, re-scheduled him for a different month. and wouldn't return his shovel. Me? I just hummed "Whistle While You Work" and the real audiophyles among us joined in.

On my last visit there was one new nurse and two student nurses in the blood lab.

The student nurses assigned to me pulled his blue plastic "sanitary" gloves out of his pants pocket and pulled them on his flabby hands. The first swab he obtained when he missed the vein fell to the floor when he tried to drop it into the trash container. It remained there. After three tries to find a vein my student called the nurse for help but he, was busy overseeing his attractive female postulant.

Patients were now starting to rock in their chairs. Nobody would dare head for the bathroom as they feared losing their designated chair. Many wished they had chosen fresh Depends.
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I finally inquired about the use of the rubber ball and introduced the "Holy Trinity" to tapping the patients wrist or forearm to assist vein location. My suggestions appeared to baffle them.

They had an epihany, called for a doctor and found he was busy. Then they made a committee decision to bring in a leech to search for a vein of mine they could use.

I won the "name the leech" contest. I chose Stephenie Meyer.