This is the time of year for reviewing the past year, celebrating the birth of Jesus, and filling out new patient sheets at the doctors.
I gather up my list of medications and vitamins with all the care I would give to mom's grocery list for Dicoskey's market. They then give me my "'new" patient form to complete. I still think the purpose of this is to keep you from noticing the magazine about the "Red Sox Miracle" or the one headlined, "Nixon Resigns".
Recently I negotiated a compromise with our dentists' receptionist. I could read over the questions and mark "no change" if appropriate. I did so right after the question: date of birth?
I like to sit in the corner of the examining room. From there I can see when the doctor removes the chart from the rack outside the door. I love it when they scratch their head - trying to remember who the hell I am.
I recently mentioned to a doctor's assistant that, after several visits, I did not recall ever meeting the doctor.
In about 6 seconds the doctor appeared - in scrubs - was extremely hospitable and offered myself and my family weekend passes to Disney. I appreciated the sensitivity but it was innocent - on both sides. The day I see the PA is the same day the doctor operates.
Our family physician doctor has a practice comprised of mostly seasoned patients. My favorite doctor day visit is "The Senior Human Chain Bracelet Dance". The lab tech finally comes out from the lab. He/she reads from a clipboard the numbers of the "not too patiently waiting" patients who are now permitted to come inside to have our blood "drawn."
Then, like the 7 dwarfs heading off for the mines, we shuffle off inside the hall to our assigned chairs. One guy picked the wrong chair. They hauled him out of there by his ear, re-scheduled him for a different month. and wouldn't return his shovel. Me? I just hummed "Whistle While You Work" and the real audiophyles among us joined in.
On my last visit there was one new nurse and two student nurses in the blood lab.
The student nurses assigned to me pulled his blue plastic "sanitary" gloves out of his pants pocket and pulled them on his flabby hands. The first swab he obtained when he missed the vein fell to the floor when he tried to drop it into the trash container. It remained there. After three tries to find a vein my student called the nurse for help but he, was busy overseeing his attractive female postulant.
Patients were now starting to rock in their chairs. Nobody would dare head for the bathroom as they feared losing their designated chair. Many wished they had chosen fresh Depends.
.
I finally inquired about the use of the rubber ball and introduced the "Holy Trinity" to tapping the patients wrist or forearm to assist vein location. My suggestions appeared to baffle them.
They had an epihany, called for a doctor and found he was busy. Then they made a committee decision to bring in a leech to search for a vein of mine they could use.
I won the "name the leech" contest. I chose Stephenie Meyer.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
BOUND TO HAPPEN
Let's face it. We all knew it was bound to happen.
A rumor is "afloat" (as you will) that a petition has been sent to Baseball Commissioner Bud Seligs office demanding a name change for the Pittsburgh Pirates. (PP)
It was filed by a group claiming to represent The Pirates Of Somalia. (TPOS). The gist of the petition is that the PP are giving TPOS and pirates everywhere a bad name due to it's obvious lack of a winning record and aggressive behavior on the field of play over several years. (Note they say "aggressive" not "offensive".)
They reference the consistent unwillingness of PP pitchers to pitch high and inside as just one example in support of their conclusion. They also speak to allowing outfielder - and leading base "stealer" Nyger Morgan - to be shipped off to "The Washington Generals" (sic).
Frank Drake IX, the spokesperson of the group, claims: "The "softie" identification with the PP name is also a constant affront to our members as well as their ancestors."
He cites the willingness of several sports teams to make changes of their previous names in deference to the demands of small indigenous native american groups who "apparently were shut out of casino largesse and had a lot of time on their hands".
(It was interesting they did not observe this fate has yet to have befallen the Washington Redskins - whose owners adroitly argued they were named after a vegetable - clearly a half baked allegation -but one that received massive legislative support.)
Drake included a tape of a sample negotiation demand conversation with Greek shipping magnates: "We are the Pirates. You have to give us 10 million dollars if you ever expect to get your hijacked oil tanker back. Otherwise, we will set it on fire." You then hear the sound of raucous laughter from the Greek shipping magnates, followed by a dial tone.
It seems the shippers made the same misidentification that is the focus of the petition. They assumed it was our PP, a floundering sports organization that appeared to be seeking non-reportable income for the purpose of becoming "The New Pirates Of The Caribbean". (TNPOTC)
It was an honest mistake.
You see, the shipping owners have relatives in the food concession business in Pittsburgh who continue to return to their native land on vacation. Each year these relations have loudly lamented the lack of any agressive behavior by their beloved PP's - resulting in decreased fan attendance and a dramatic fall off of Baklava sales at the stadium.
TPOS in their petition do cite as an encouraging example of promising local piracy the possible unwillingness of the PP management to open their books to the people of Pittsburgh. They concede it certainly would be a positive sign - but perhaps a case of , "too little - too late."
To further this argument they remind Bud that neither the performance of the team nor the actions of it's ownership seem to have attracted his interest, let alone the other MLB owners.
The following scary but plausible closing argument was related to us by an individual privy to the negotiations, but not authorized to speak publicly:
"Due to the association the name "pirates" now has with your sports team, we have become the Rodney Dangerfields of Larceny (RDOL) . We simply are getting no respect.
It's getting tougher and tougher to make a dishonest buck! Should you fail to capitulate to our demands, the only viable option for us may be to purchase our own MLB team - recoup our losses - and enjoy the anti-trust protection afforded others."
We should point out the petitioners were not without their conciliatory advances at first. Noting Pittsburgh's fondness for outlandish alliteration in the form of the Pittsburgh Pirates, Penguins, and long departed Pipers, etc; they offered alternative choices.
They suggested as a more accurate name selection: The Pittsburgh Pansies, Pip Squeaks, Pushovers, Pee-Wees, Putrids, and P---ants, as well as what seemed to this writer to be another valid alternative name choice.
Drake claimed that should their petition be accepted by MLB and, what they saw as an absolutely appropriate substitute name be chosen, they will voluntarily erect a statute in honor of the long suffering PP fans : A 17 foot "Plaster of Paris Pigeon" to be located in the middle of Market Square.
I say, "Go for It. It's good for tourism and it would be "a steal".
A rumor is "afloat" (as you will) that a petition has been sent to Baseball Commissioner Bud Seligs office demanding a name change for the Pittsburgh Pirates. (PP)
It was filed by a group claiming to represent The Pirates Of Somalia. (TPOS). The gist of the petition is that the PP are giving TPOS and pirates everywhere a bad name due to it's obvious lack of a winning record and aggressive behavior on the field of play over several years. (Note they say "aggressive" not "offensive".)
They reference the consistent unwillingness of PP pitchers to pitch high and inside as just one example in support of their conclusion. They also speak to allowing outfielder - and leading base "stealer" Nyger Morgan - to be shipped off to "The Washington Generals" (sic).
Frank Drake IX, the spokesperson of the group, claims: "The "softie" identification with the PP name is also a constant affront to our members as well as their ancestors."
He cites the willingness of several sports teams to make changes of their previous names in deference to the demands of small indigenous native american groups who "apparently were shut out of casino largesse and had a lot of time on their hands".
(It was interesting they did not observe this fate has yet to have befallen the Washington Redskins - whose owners adroitly argued they were named after a vegetable - clearly a half baked allegation -but one that received massive legislative support.)
Drake included a tape of a sample negotiation demand conversation with Greek shipping magnates: "We are the Pirates. You have to give us 10 million dollars if you ever expect to get your hijacked oil tanker back. Otherwise, we will set it on fire." You then hear the sound of raucous laughter from the Greek shipping magnates, followed by a dial tone.
It seems the shippers made the same misidentification that is the focus of the petition. They assumed it was our PP, a floundering sports organization that appeared to be seeking non-reportable income for the purpose of becoming "The New Pirates Of The Caribbean". (TNPOTC)
It was an honest mistake.
You see, the shipping owners have relatives in the food concession business in Pittsburgh who continue to return to their native land on vacation. Each year these relations have loudly lamented the lack of any agressive behavior by their beloved PP's - resulting in decreased fan attendance and a dramatic fall off of Baklava sales at the stadium.
TPOS in their petition do cite as an encouraging example of promising local piracy the possible unwillingness of the PP management to open their books to the people of Pittsburgh. They concede it certainly would be a positive sign - but perhaps a case of , "too little - too late."
To further this argument they remind Bud that neither the performance of the team nor the actions of it's ownership seem to have attracted his interest, let alone the other MLB owners.
The following scary but plausible closing argument was related to us by an individual privy to the negotiations, but not authorized to speak publicly:
"Due to the association the name "pirates" now has with your sports team, we have become the Rodney Dangerfields of Larceny (RDOL) . We simply are getting no respect.
It's getting tougher and tougher to make a dishonest buck! Should you fail to capitulate to our demands, the only viable option for us may be to purchase our own MLB team - recoup our losses - and enjoy the anti-trust protection afforded others."
We should point out the petitioners were not without their conciliatory advances at first. Noting Pittsburgh's fondness for outlandish alliteration in the form of the Pittsburgh Pirates, Penguins, and long departed Pipers, etc; they offered alternative choices.
They suggested as a more accurate name selection: The Pittsburgh Pansies, Pip Squeaks, Pushovers, Pee-Wees, Putrids, and P---ants, as well as what seemed to this writer to be another valid alternative name choice.
Drake claimed that should their petition be accepted by MLB and, what they saw as an absolutely appropriate substitute name be chosen, they will voluntarily erect a statute in honor of the long suffering PP fans : A 17 foot "Plaster of Paris Pigeon" to be located in the middle of Market Square.
I say, "Go for It. It's good for tourism and it would be "a steal".
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
NOT TO WORRY
Thanksgiving is over and Christmas is around the corner. You couldn't have missed it. It was in all the Walmart ads.
So, you pulled out the outdoor extension cords and Christmas trimming lights you store together and discover all the cords look like the first spaghetti you made as a young bride or anxious bachelor.
Hint: never pack the lights up on New Years Day when you have a New Years Eve hangover. You have enough on your mind just trying to figure out how the hedgehog got in your bed.
NOT TO WORRY # 1. Be like us. At our home we're as prepared as the Pentagon.
About a week before Thanksgiving we pack all the cords in a large cardboard box and haul them over to the local daycare center. They become the focal point of the Annual Thanksgiving Puzzle Contest. (ATPC)
The kids are split up in teams of three - with a teacher or volunteer assigned to each group as a timer. All the various cords are covered with nap pads before the contest starts so no child can inavertently start unwinding them in their mind. (We have some really advanced kids in our daycare center who are taking calculus as an elective)
The teacher blows a whistle and the puzzle solving begins. If a few kids on the teams are temporarily members of the remedial puzzle solving group - maybe due to a poor attention span or boredom - but are great sleepers - that's when the nap pads come in handy once more.
NOT TO WORRY #2. Prizes? That's the genius in this whole scheme.
About eight days before Thanksgiving you thaw out some of those fruitcakes Aunt Martha gives you annually. You know, the ones you shove in the freezer cause you never know what to do with them.
Ah ha! You're starting to recognize the classic "two-fer": Even weird Aunt Martie can't get upset should she discover you were willing to give up your Christmas goodies to feed hungry kids.
NOT TO WORRY #3. Remember those are the same tummies that can digest edible crayons, cat food, and colored snow. Kids are tougher than you think.
Be sure to pick up your unentangled cords the morning before holiday recess. You'll have the trimming done in about 15 minutes. Guaranteed!
--------------------------------------
Hope you had a great Thanksgiving.
So, you pulled out the outdoor extension cords and Christmas trimming lights you store together and discover all the cords look like the first spaghetti you made as a young bride or anxious bachelor.
Hint: never pack the lights up on New Years Day when you have a New Years Eve hangover. You have enough on your mind just trying to figure out how the hedgehog got in your bed.
NOT TO WORRY # 1. Be like us. At our home we're as prepared as the Pentagon.
About a week before Thanksgiving we pack all the cords in a large cardboard box and haul them over to the local daycare center. They become the focal point of the Annual Thanksgiving Puzzle Contest. (ATPC)
The kids are split up in teams of three - with a teacher or volunteer assigned to each group as a timer. All the various cords are covered with nap pads before the contest starts so no child can inavertently start unwinding them in their mind. (We have some really advanced kids in our daycare center who are taking calculus as an elective)
The teacher blows a whistle and the puzzle solving begins. If a few kids on the teams are temporarily members of the remedial puzzle solving group - maybe due to a poor attention span or boredom - but are great sleepers - that's when the nap pads come in handy once more.
NOT TO WORRY #2. Prizes? That's the genius in this whole scheme.
About eight days before Thanksgiving you thaw out some of those fruitcakes Aunt Martha gives you annually. You know, the ones you shove in the freezer cause you never know what to do with them.
Ah ha! You're starting to recognize the classic "two-fer": Even weird Aunt Martie can't get upset should she discover you were willing to give up your Christmas goodies to feed hungry kids.
NOT TO WORRY #3. Remember those are the same tummies that can digest edible crayons, cat food, and colored snow. Kids are tougher than you think.
Be sure to pick up your unentangled cords the morning before holiday recess. You'll have the trimming done in about 15 minutes. Guaranteed!
--------------------------------------
Hope you had a great Thanksgiving.
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