Bella - Feeling Chipper

In an earlier blog I alluded to the fact that Bella, our 2 pound/2 year old Chihuahua was not all that she seemed.

She is the very picture of class - hardly ever makes any noise in public - and greets everybody graciously. She will even bestow kisses on your bod should you proffer her a french fry or two.

Yet, the truth be known, Bella acts one way when she's out and another when she's home. In the latter environment she can be very demanding and quite sarcastic.

I know you're saying, "Hold it Bar - how can a dog be sarcastic?"

Well, let me try to explain as I pull out some 0ld journal entries regarding previous "Father & Dog" conversations Bella and I have conducted.

Here are some excerpts from one of the first:

"So, when did you learn you could talk?" I hesitantly asked. This was not too long after learning Bella could communicate with something other than bites and barks.

"Well, I was pretty suspicious for a while", she replied. One day, I heard a female like voice being critical of you - didn't see mommy's lips moving - and realized it must be me. But, really, I've been speaking ever since the "doc" inserted the chip."

"OK, hold it right there. You're saying that when we had the microchip inserted in your neck for protective reasons, you suddenly gained the power of speech?"

"That's about it Rollo" - she countered, while pointing a tiny paw toward my ever expanding - but now "smokefree" - tummy.

"Oh, by the way", she continued, "I also receive the NFL network now - something else you're lacking, big guy. For the exchange of a few shekels I could let you know how your precious Steelers are doing when they're not playing on network TV. We all know you're too cheap to go out and find the game at a bar . I believe, that's ever since being told you had to order something other than ice water with lemon, if you wanted to watch the game ."

As usual, she was starting to get to me already. Now she's attacking my sports teams and my budgetary acumen What's next? Why is it that females have this ability to immediately hone in on your insecurities? I glared at her, one of my best offensive weapons at my age.

"You know pal, if you don't curb that newly discovered voice, I'm going to get a scrambler and all you'll be receiving is re-runs of The Gong Show."

"Ha! You, of all people, are going to try and install a scrambler? That should be fun to watch. You still can't program the Ipod the kids gave you!"

"Look I'm making real progress", I said somewhat defensively. "It's just that sometimes I prefer to listen to many of my old CD's through the full glorious sound provided by my Advent floor speakers. They bring out the rumbling bass - and the ultra fine treble of my favorite's singers."

"In other words, you still can't figure out how to turn on the Ipod, right?"

"That's not the case. Since Bruce came down and worked with me, I've been able to play Bruce's over 1100 music selections through the computer."

"Whatever. Which reminds me Bar, don't you have any 'favorite' singers who, you know, are like still breathing?"

She wasn't done yet. "You've turned the lanai into a 'musical mausoleum' for dead singers. I live a lot of my life out here and am sort of a captive Chihuahua. All I want to do is to lie by the window and try to embellish my tan. I really don't need all that syruppy stuff and the big band sound hurts my delicate ears."

I was indignant. "You're saying you don't appreciate Frank, Ella, Nat, Dean, Sammy, Bing, Sassy, Dinah, Mario, and Pavarotti?"

"Whoa, how did you leave out Dezi Arnaz serenading Lucy with his bilingual version of 'Bubaloo'?. Let me make you a deal. I'll give you a 'Franklin' for every "new" CD those guys have recorded recently."

"That's ridiculous, I replied. You don't even have a job my Latin American friend"

"Look who's talking - 'ole retired and waiting for rigor mortis'. Isn't it about time for you to bring your life into the twenty-first centurey? You could start by going out and getting a little exercise? Seriously, what exercise do you get besides hunting for the TV remote? You're starting to block out the sun, Porky!"


"I do exercise. Are you forgetting that I take you out in the basket on the bike for our weekly ride around the development?"

"Oh, yeah Speedo, and the way you pedal gives a whole new meaning to the term 'stationary' bike". I just don't get you. You're totally different from my Mommy. Man, they're not kidding when they say opposites attract."

She wasn't done yet . "You ever notice she walks around fully erect, is younger, better looking, and she plays live music by live artists? I don't get it. Explain what you could possibly have ever said to have convinced her to choose you for her lifetime companion?"

"Go, talk to your Mommy."

(I departed the lanai for the solitude of the back yard. I even took my Ipod. It has earphones.)