HOW BAD CAN IT BE?

Ever wonder why it is so difficult to admit you were wrong? My wife and I have played a little "wrong" game for some time now in which the following scenario takes place in one form or another:

He: "Well yes, I did think that way before - but, I was wrong."

She: "What? You are really finally willing to admit that you can be wrong?" I thought you were  NEVER wrong!"

He: "Well there was that time back in 1955  - when I was wrong".

She: "I can't wait to hear more. What was that all about?"

He: "Well, that's a long time ago and my memory is cloudy,  but as I recall, I thought I was wrong about something , but, thankfully later that day I found out I was really right - and it was my original  conclusion that was wrong"

She: "That must have been really gratifying!"

He: "Hey, that's the kind of guy I am - always willing to fess up when the situation dictates that it's appropriate. You ought to try it."

(That was also the "first time" I had to have my upper plate repaired)

So, quickly  or as quickly as you can cover such a complex subject- here are five reasons for the problem that I've edited from a PhD- Guy Winch - who provides us with some info as to the causation for a negative trend that seems to be growing exponentially - a seemingly inability to admit we were wrong.

 His contention is that refusing to admit you were wrong is not just plain stubbornness - there may be something deeper involved.

(1) Admissions of wrong doing (or simply being "wrong") are terribly threatening to some because they have problems separating their actions from their character.

 If they did something wrong - they often conclude they must be bad people - or at the very least ignorant or stupid - a conclusion that obviously provides a threat to their self-esteem.

(2) The act of apologizing might open the door to guilt for some of us - but for the non-apologist the reaction can be much stronger - and open the door instead to both shame and embarrassment.

While a slight twist on the first reason, it's saying that while guilt makes us feel bad about our actions - shame makes some folks feel bad about their selves - who they are - and  per Winch - quite often makes shame a far more toxic emotion than guilt.

(3) Admitting that they are wrong is not seen as an opportunity by non-apologists to resolve interpersonal conflict. This is tricky.

 Instead, the fear is that their admission will now only open the floodgates to further accusations and conflict. Their concern is that the other person who has now heard one admission of wrong doing from  them will consequently pile on all the previous offenses for which they refused to apologize. ("The Hole in the Dike" theory?) 

(4) Non- apologists also fear that by admitting a mistake they will have assumed all responsibility and , (therefore) released the other person from any culpability.

For example, when arguing with a spouse they fear an apology on their part will exempt the spouse from taking any of the blame for the disagreement - despite the fact that most arguments have as a key ingredient some responsibility for each participant. (It isn't the first unkind word that causes the argument - but the response from the other person who has received it.)

(5) Finally, we have to address the possibility that some non-apologists are simply reluctant to give up their anger and apologize.

 Actually, there are some folks who are quite comfortable with their anger, irritability, and emotional distance. Unlike most of us, they often fear the experience of emotional closeness and vulnerability and find it to be extremely threatening. 

It's the classic fear while in a hot dispute that - by lowering your guard  -even slightly - you will make your psychological defenses crumble. As a result these folks fear the possibility that by opening those floodgates to a well of sadness and despair they will leave themselves  powerless to stop it.

They are convinced they will become vulnerable and if they admit those deep pent up emotions it will surely  be a disaster, particularly if the other person does not respond with the love, caring and support they so desperately need but are afraid to ask for. We all fear rejection.

I can recall a conversation with a fellow newbie therapist who confessed he made himself a good listener to his new boss for both the bosses work and personal problems - only to find that the carefully constructed boss/employee  relationship quickly crumbled when he - the therapist -  was not willing to be as outspoken or revealing about his own inner work and personal thoughts.

At that time -I also discovered it is not unusual for a new counselor who after  providing unconditional non-threatening listening for their client in those first few valuable sessions  - he/she is now expected to openly respond to a whole lot of client's questions about his/her own mishaps in life. 

If, via their inexperience, the counselor agrees to go along early on during the process he/she  most often loses that valuable transference factor that is key to providing what the client needs to make progress.

In most cases many of us recognize (unless we're in a relationship with some sort of a sadist or an equally insecure individual ) that quite often (but not always) opening up can often lead to a far deeper emotional closeness and trust toward the other person; thus deepening our relationship satisfaction depending on the severity of the infraction..

Okay, enough of the counseling protocol  - my attempt here was just to share some insight as to what may possibly be going on with that person in your life who you find so unwilling to admit they were/are wrong. 

Will an awareness of all of this improve a relationship?  Hey, it's a crap shoot!

All I know is a simple rule that I put in place to increase both honesty and bonding (for my supervisors as well as my kids) was to remind them when they  had screwed up - (just like I did before them) was: "Come to me early - you have a friend. Come to me late - you have a judge!"

 Let's face it. The benefits of confession and admitting you are/were wrong has a direct effectiveness correlation to the frequency with which it is employed and the sincerity that accompanies the admission.

There is such a thing as going to that "well' too often - but it's a start. 

C'mon - How Bad Can It Be?