SPAM - I AM?

So-called "Experts" tell you to avoid viruses via opening e-mail from people you don't know. I assume that applies particularly to spam mail - the source of most of what I'm receiving lately.

 The problem, as I see it, is that if you don't open them you have no idea who sent them to you and why.

Articles I've read suggest it has something to do with "cookies"' I've stored. If that's true, I'm definitely giving up sweets.

 Some of my spam mail is scary, like. "YOUR FREE LIFETIME MEMBERSHIP IS ABOUT TO EXPIRE" (There goes my goal of living longer than my parents.)

Thank God for Publishers Clearing House" - which soon after - offered me a cure: "AVOID CANCELLATION BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE, MR. SULLIVAN"

(OK, I'll buy one of your damned eggbeaters in four easy installments. But, I gotta tell you - my wife and I are getting awfully tired of leaving non-consumed milk and cookies on the dining room table at night for The Prize Patrol.)

"YOU HAVE SIX NEW FLIRTS" ( Now that scares me too. I can't even remember what I did with my car keys - let alone try to track down my "old" flirts.)

"FLIRT LIVE WITH SEXY GIRLS ON RUSSIAN BRIDES". ( Whatever happened with everyone just heading up to Niagara Falls for a week-end honeymoon - alone with their honey?  Assuming this is not a typo, I still want to make it clear that I have no interest in lesbians. Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course.)

 "MEET ME TONIGHT. I'M LONELY - SEXUALLY EXPLICIT" (Sorry, gotta pass. My BW isn't even that crazy about me driving in the daylight by myself.)

 "MEET FEMALE SWINGERS AND HOOK UP". (Count me out. My " hook" is simply not what it was at one time. Besides, with my current coordination challenges, I'd probably  fall off the trapeze and break my neck.)

"BEAUTIFUL CHINESE WOMEN ARE LOOKING FOR SEX. (Yeah, sure. And, in an hour I'd be hungry again! Due to my dietary restrictions I can't even take that sort of risk with Fritos - let alone women.)

"LIFETIME EASY SEX - VIEW MY (8) PRIVATE PHOTOS". That one caught me off-guard as the next spam - the first of two received from Facebook - referenced a good lady friend of ours: "WINDI SANDERS ADDED A NEW PHOTO"

What made matters worse was when they immediately followed that one up with: "A WOMAN ON THE FACEBOOK OF CHEATERS WANTS YOU." (Windi, say it 'taint' so.)

"JENNY 26 WANTS A BOOTY CALL" (Sorry Jenny, we got rid of all our booties years ago.)

 And, my favorite?

 "GOT BIG BOOBS AND KNOW HOW TO USE THEM"

(Some parental advice here. "Relax lady. It's just a phase all teenage boys go through. Their brains develop slower than girls. However,  the idea of getting them jobs is right on target. But, quickly! Make your local Amscot office off-limits and insist your kids immediately turn over their paychecks to you.

Otherwise, they'll continue to eat you out of house and home - even after treating all their new BFF's to all that junk food they purchased with their newly discovered wealth.)

Sorry, Dr. Seuss.

Porn spam?  Honest, that's just not me!