MAKE UP YOUR MIND!

I say this respectfully to my beloved Pittsburgh Pirates: "Make up your mind!"

My message to the Pirates is,"It would be a lot easier if you guys could figure out whether you've decided to be a winning major league ballclub this year - or not.

Every time I think you're going down the tube - you turn around and win a couple of games and I get excited all over again.

Not only do you win these games; but many times the incentive to do so came from formerly unproductive offensive ball players flirting with the Mendoza line who for some strange reason now and then find a way to get a timely hit or pitch a good game."

The old Boston Braves team was covered by Boston Globe sportswriter Gerald V. Hern among others. In 1948 (Yeah, I was a Pirates baseball fan back then, too) Hern wrote a poem about the Braves supposedly 'thin" pitching staff.

It's not that the guys were on "weight loss" - it hadn't been invented yet. It's just they were up and down with their pitching as Hern lamented.

The two reliable and more consistent pitchers were Warren Spahn and Johnny Sain, but they couldn't pitch back to back every game, thus the old saying"Give me Spahn and Sain, and pray for rain."

The Pirates seem to be having difficulty finding their own second consistent starter after Gerrit Cole. We thought it would be one of about three. But, they can't seem to recall how to win as they did in 2013 and we let Burnett get away for a sum that's considered chump change these days in professional sports.

Unfortunately, the "rain" prospects for the Pirates are as difficult to predict as their starting pitching. The talents are there. What seems to be lacking is a good sports psychologist.

We desperately need a starter who will emulate Cole and regain their memory.

Cole, our former #1 draft choice - beat the Dodgers the other day and received appropriate backup from his team.

Unfortunately, when I saw that Liriano (0-5) was the next starter up and facing a Dodger pitcher Josh Beckett who had just come off a no-hitter, I reached for the Tums.

Fortunately, Beckett was no Johnny Vander Meer.

 Liriano pitched a good (almost) 6 innings - and we got timely hits against Beckett, along with  a good bullpen performance from previously reliable guys who seem to have finally jelled.

(It's okay. I had both my fingers AND my legs crossed.)

Rooting for this years Pirates team this year has been a lot like asking Lucy van Pelt to hold the football while you attempt a field goal.

Oh, and the second  "Make Up Your Mind"?

That's for yours truly - your impatient blogger who apparently forgot what it's like to be a "good' Pirates fan - and who, by the way,  has been known to have  more than a few bad days now and then, too..

MR. FIX-IT

I readily admit I am mechanically challenged. Quite often it is my wife, Phyl who resolves what I cannot fix or install.

My latest challenge involved the latter - installing door bells on our down sized  but "comfy" Florida home.

To my credit I had done this successfully a few years ago.

Unfortunately then, I had opted to install the doorbell button on the siding next to the inside entry door to the house.

Ordinarily this location would not have been a problem; however it is necessary to reach that destination by passing through the sturdy door leading into our oversized enclosed lanai - which is usually kept locked.

Like a cat eyeing fish in an enclosed tank, visitors could peer through the lanai screen at the door bell ringer - but, couldn't reach it.

All things wear out eventually - and the doorbell ringer unfortunately passed away necessitating the purchase of a new system. Being thrifty folks, we first purchased new batteries for the existing system.(OK, my wife did), but the present system still could not be resuscitated.

I returned my first new replacement system to Walmart as it was not designed to be used with a wall plug. I then bought one that most closely resembled the deceased one.

I wrestled with the packaging for several minutes while muttering to myself, "If   NASA had used this to enclose their space capsules  - - - !"

Having struggled with the tiny print directions I discovered I was attempting to read the Spanish version.The English instructions were not much clearer.

As a result, I was confused as to which side of the flat nickel sized batteries was the positive, which it explained had to be inserted face up. The manufacturer had failed to identify same on the battery surface.

Finally, I had the ringer correctly assembled - the main housing inserted in the wall plug to assess the various selections of ring tones (I could only find 2 of the 8 advertised) and, after much puzzlement, figured out how to uncover the sticky adhesive supplied to adhere the ringer to a location of my choice.

Having confirmed the battery was properly installed and the ringer worked both inside and out of the house, I carefully selected the most user-friendly location outside the lanai entry door.

Being a careful lad, I held and tested the bell ringer once more (after the previous 15 test rings) before applying the adhesive packaging, then closed up the ringer mechanism as instructed, and pressed it onto that "just right" spot.

The ringer didn't work.

I went back in the house and read the trouble shooting small print of the limited folded instruction sheet until I came to the part which said, "Ensure push button is not mounted on metal, near metal studs, or near the floor."

I figured 2 out of 3 wasn't bad. Unfortunately, this bell ringing package installation required batting 1000 in order to be successful.

Disconnecting the ringer from the adhesive - or trying - I now discovered NASA should have purchased the adhesive as well. It wouldn't come off the door frame post despite my careful efforts with a soft cloth soaked in warm water in order not to scratch the surface.

Deciding I'd tackle that challenge later I proceeded to press the ringer package against the vinyl siding, the wooden trellis on the side of the carport, and the screen to the right of the lanai door.

Only the last attempt proved to be workable - but, not if the window behind the screening was open - which it usually is.

I discovered the ringer worked well only when clutched in my hand - as it had done previously before my initial  installation attempt. However, when pressed against the selected hard surfaces it took on the characteristics of  Marcel Marceau.

For those of you still interested, my second attempt at the adhesive removal with "goof-off" (which I successfully pre-tested in a small non-visible area per it's instructions) was also in vain. The product removed the paint from the door frame in a 25 cent wide test  area - but not the adhesive.

My wife just shook her head when surveying the damage and said (softly), "Well, you tried."

I hesitate to return the packaging for a door bell kit once more as the first question I will be asked is, "Did you open the packaging?" (As if I could determine the efficacy of the product by visual observation from outside it's indomitable plastic shell).

The doorbell?

It's now in a quite attractive petite wicker basket hanging from the lanai door knob, directly under the scotch taped sign which in bold letters proclaims:

"PLEASE REMOVE RINGER FROM BASKET, PRESS RINGER BUTTON AND HOLD FOR AT LEAST ONE SECOND."

Mr. Fixit strikes again.

IS JOHNNY CARSON BACK?

When my wife and I decided we need a break from crime shows and autopsy tables we discovered a welcome alternative - humor.

Humor is hard to define, yet I learned much about it by taking perhaps my favorite 3 credit elective course,"Contemporary Humor", a study of humor in movies, TV and books.
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The course highlighted successful comedy ingredients like timing, irony, deadpan humor, delayed takes and self-deprecation. Johnny Carson had all of these in spades.

It now appears Seth Meyers the host of "The Late Late Show" has mastered many of these key skills as well.

Meyers was weaned as a former standup comedian and 12 year head comedy writer for Saturday Night Live.

Like Carson, Meyers can often save a joke with a look - a change in posture - or a great soft clarifying follow-up line.

He is also an excellent interviewer, something that on so many of todays talk shows isn't easy to find. Too often the interviewer tends to hog the conversation.

Meyers comes across as an interested listener. While he possesses quick comedic follow-up lines, he primarily uses them in an interview as an attempt to save a nervous guest who appears to have lost his or her way.

Both Carson and Meyers were quick to recognize their show works best when they allow their sidekicks to display their own comedy skills. I'm convinced  Johnny's "Carnac" routines worked as well as they did for me due to the well timed input of Ed McMahon.

Meyers comedy counterpart is another SNL graduate, Fred Armison, actor and comedian as well as bandleader of the show's "8G Band".

Armison is a true master of deadpan humor and his reactions to Meyer's comments and questions are for us possibly the highlight of this new show.

Their almost nightly bit is that Armison is accused by Meyers of being "a man of untruths", but exposed by Meyers after much digging and so-called research.

Meyers delivers the setups by confronting Armison with defending his ridiculous claims of having started various inventive, but truly bizarre businesses.

One such example was amusement park "Clayworld" which Fred allegedly founded and where there are no rides. At least at first.

Per Armison, the rides du jour are up to the paying customers.They are encouraged to design their favorite amusement rides which they must sculpt out of multiple piles of clay, spread throughout the park.

These "rides" allegedly include Merry Go Rounds, Ferris Wheels, and the
like -or as Fred relates in his deadpan style, "Whatever the customer prefers".

Meyers, acting as the responsible and pragmatic of the two, then uses follow-up questions like,"Aren't you concerned they may fall and hurt themself?.

Fred: "They ARE  on piles of clay, you know!"

When asked by Meyers (for the assumed benefit of interested tourists) where "Clayworld" can be found, Armisons reply is "Pretty much all over Arizona."

The routine loses much through my translation.

To attempt to explain  a joke - or a comedy routine - which I just did  - you must  first assume the listener possesses a sense of humor. Sadly, many do not.

This is clearly visual comedy and would probably not work as well on radio.

Again, what is necessary to make the routines work is the combination of  the "delay takes" mastered by both Carson and Meyers, coupled with Armison's toothy"deadpan" replies.

If dry humor and well timed deadpan reactions are your thing - hop aboard - but, as I learned long ago, they are clearly not for everyone.

It seems both are an acquired taste by the listener. I liken them to the enjoyment of sipping Single Malt Scotch, VSOP Cognac, or down here in Florida, "Piledrivers." - a combination of Vodka and Prune Juice

Despite that caveat , the early returns, at least in the Sullivan household suggest: "Carson may be back".