THE MOUTH THAT ROARED!

There I was sitting - silently -while patiently trying to find something in the paper that was non-political. I decided to switch to the Astrology page - something you knew you could depend on in his crazy world of ours.

That's when I heard her voice - like fingernails on a blackboard:

"All politicians are crooked - but mostly those who are in Congress. You can't even believe what you read in the papers nowadays cause they're biased too. I've had it. I'm anti-everything . I've decided to become an archivist!"

"That should please the folks over at the library, "I replied

"You're making fun of me again with that all- too- dumb alleged Irish wit of yours. I'm sure it has something to do with what I just said."

"Not important, but I am curious. What is it you're going to do to improve things - I mean from that new position at the library. I'm assuming that would be only after revising the Dewey Decimal system, of course."

She looked at me with  the disdain that only a 2.7.pound Chihuahua can muster.

Then "'her haughtiness" spoke:

 "You know, I'm only 5 1/2 years old, whereas you've been hanging around for three-quarters of a century and you profess that during 55 of those years you've been a card carrying member of the Republican party. And now, you want to know what I'M going to do about the mess we're in?"

"Well actually you brought it up, and I'm still proud of my Republican heritage from my Dad."

"See, that's the problem - you claim to be a registered Republican - and your shape is definitely starting to resemble that of an elephant - but you seem to be leaning toward the Democrats, as I see it.

 Quite frankly, methinks you appear to have adopted your Mom's strategy on life."

Quickly looking up from the daily horoscope column, I replied: "I'm sorry. I wasn't really paying attention. Which of my Mom's many strategies were you referring to?"

"Man, you ARE getting old! You know the one where you told me that when you were a kid, no matter what you complained about to your Mom, her response was always, 'Well, tomorrow is another day!' . You said she chose not to worry about today's problems or even those that might be coming down the road."

"Yeah, that does sound familiar. So you're saying that Mom was really a non-committed Democrat in your view?"

"See, that's the very problem. You remain clueless and want to rely on other people to tell you what's going to happen to you. Are you sure you're not a closet Democrat, as well?"

""I'm positive", I replied emphatically!

"That's funny", she  countered. 

"And why would that be?", I replied  once more, demonstrating that sharp rapier like repartee I've developed through the years.

"Well!", she said - while closing the distance beween us to enter my personal space - "You claim to be a Republican but I've yet to see you back your Irish arse away from the table when they're handing out Social Security and Medicare benefits .

You do recall, don't you,  that those are the very things - along with your health care - that "Da Mittster" claims he's going to reduce drastically when he assumes office."

"C'mon dog, you mean you really don't know that's just campaign strategy to appease everybody in his party?"

"Listen chum, I apologize for this odious analogy, but isn't that the same thing they said about Hitler when he was just getting started in Europe?"

"Whoa, now you really are getting out of hand. So tell me punkster, what's your pseudo-intelligent dog sense reading on the upcoming election? I can't believe you've decided to become a Democrat."

"Not really," she replied, "But, I must admit I was sorry Mitt didn't choose Rubio as his running mate instead of putting one more Irish guy into that whole  succession chain thing."

"You're stalling. So, which is it? You seem to be changing positions more than both candidates."

"Actually", she said after a long pause: "I'm not that crazy over either guy, but I am confused by Obama's position that we must defend and provide for the weak and the poor above and beyond what else the Government does."

"Geeze, what's this about now? You've been reaping the benefits of that strategy for over 5 years now. You've got a lot of nerve talking about my Mom's philosophy."

"Well, I'm only a dumb animal - who IS probably leaning toward the GOP - if we could just get them Tea Party "yo-yo's" to resign, that is. Here's why:

 The food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.

 Meanwhile, the Park Service, also part of the Department of Agriculture, tells us ' Please do not feed the animals because the animals may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.' I can't believe you missed this."

Not to be outdone in matching wits, I replied: "Good point. I think we're cutting you back from two meals a day to just one - and no more treats -because, Lordy, Lordy - we sure don't want you becoming dependent on us."

She shook her head defiantly before sauntering away and mumbling something that sounded like "Obtene una trabajo, Tonto."

I was about to request a clarification but just then happened to glance down at the paper and before I could come up with a response I involuntarily said aloud:

"Wow! Look at this. It says here, The LIBRA'S are going to have a really great day today'! Maybe that means the Government  has decided to raise Social Security benefits next year."

(Which they have - of course. They just didn't happen to announce it on either the Astrology page or the Sports Section.)

(Finally, my many thanks to author Tom Wolf for those punctuation suggestions.)