HER HIGHNESS

I knew something was up when she slithered her tiny body through the small opening by the sliding glass door leading out to my office.

Looking up from the floor, employing her over-developed neck muscles from constantly having to look up at us humans, I sensed one more rerun of our constant bickering.

Her: "I've decided that today there will be no pees and poos."

Me: "Is that for us or you? If the former we're really going to have to make other arrangements. We would appreciate some advance notice".

Her: "Get serious! I truly don't give a p---!"

Me: "Hold it. That's quite enough! You've been warned about the potty mouth before. Sometimes I have the feeling you were elevated to royalty during the night and nobody bothered to keep us informed."

Her: "At your age it's probably more a case of hearing deficit."

Me: "What IS your problem?"

Her: "Fugeddabout it! You get upset when I recite the many reasons why Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation clearly didn't apply to dogs."

Me: "You've got to knock off watching the History channel. It's truly a bad influence on Chihuahuas."

Her: "You, who bought me as a slave at the Red Barn flea market - and then took me immediately to the vet to make sure I could not enjoy conjugal relief?"

Me: "We've been all through this. I sense there is a deeper problem today."

Her: "Yeah! How would you like to to be led around on a leash?"

Me: "I am. It's called marriage - and I agreed to it. Besides, I think Monty Python tried your human leash suggestion with mixed results."

She: "One more example of your poor decision making skills?"

Me: "What? Marriage or watching Monty Python?"

Her; "Take your pick. You're the one who's supposed to have the power of rational thinking."

Me: "Forget it. Marriage is fine. I will reluctantly admit I need some leadership now and then. How about you?"

Her: "I seem to get much too much of that already. How would you like me to lead you around the back yard and then stand by to watch you doing your business?"

Me: "Trust me. It's not that much of a thrill - particularly when it's pouring down rain."

Her: "Yeah, but you're the one holding the umbrella and that's a huge circumference you're chosen to protect first. I'm sort of a second thought."

Me: "Have you ever thought about walking in a straight line?"

Her: "I might say the same thing about you. Might want to cut back a little on the Pinot Grigio imbibing down at Geckos restaurant."

Me: "You don't seem to mind when they bring you your own small samples of their french fries out to the patio."

Her: "Actually, I've been meaning to tell them to try a little less salt - it makes me have to pee."

Me: "You do have attitude - don't you?" Besides, at my age, it's not the amount of wine that inhibits my walking. It's more about cramping up when I sit for a long time."

Her: "I rest my case!"

Me: "Don't you have something to do - some place to go?". Maybe it's time to send you back to your own country."

Her: "You guys are so quick to want to deport us but love the cheap labor. Besides, I was born in this country and you know how that goes."

Me: "Cheap labor? In addition to your new found peerage - you finally got a job?"

Her: "Yeah, actually I've had that since day one. It's called making you guys feel important.

You really think I like all the kids poking me and the adults asking me what my name is? H-E-L-L-O! They think I'm going to reply?"

You guys need to get a grip! I put up with that so the two of you can preen and smile at all the compliments about your 'cute little doggie'. The truth is, nobody would talk to you if it weren't for me."

Me: "Sorry, pal. It's a dog's life."

She: "Well, someday we dogs are going to rule the world!"

Me: "I'm not sure that isn't ancient history.

Go bug somebody else, 'your highness'!"

Her: "Don't forget to push button #2, Senor."