THE BRIDGE TO NOWHERE?

It's well known to any reader of this blog that one of my favorite reading sources is USA Today, a sort of "Adults Garden Of Verse."

Five days a week they run a reprise called "Across the USA" that relates in capsule form what's happening that is noteworthy in 49 States, plus DC, Guam, and Wyoming.(The government has yet to adequately prove to me that Wyoming is really a State.)

I usually start my review with the States in which I have resided - Pennsylvania & Florida - but know enough by now not to skip California if I want to read something unusual.

Yesterday, I found a couple favorites. Ironically both took place in my resident States.

Pennsylvania: New Castle:

"Brothers Benjamin Jones 24 and Alexander Jones, 25 have been charged with stealing Covert's Crossing Bridge in order to sell the metal for scrap. Police said they used a blowtorch to break up the 50-foot long by 20-foot wide bridge. They face felony charges of criminal mischief, theft, receiving stolen property and conspiracy."

Now, I'm sure all of you have by now come up with your favorite responses. But, it's my blog - so, let me go first.

A few questions.

1. How long a period of time is adequate to dismantle a 1000 square foot bridge (plus supports and railings) - and how do you become that proficient with one blowtorch?

2. Can one accurately assume that Covert's Crossing Bridge is not faced with an overwhelming amount of traffic - either pedestrian or vehicular?

3. What would take two young men - other than the eternal optimism of youth - to think they would get away with this?

4. Can you hear the conversation between two guys at the scrapyard?: "I don't know about you Emmitt, but this one piece of metal supporting a stop sign sure as hell looks like part of a bridge to me!"

5. Which end of the bridge do you start with and how do you keep it from collapsing into whatever it's positioned over?

6. If some drunk happens to stumble along midway through the disassembling, how do you explain exactly what it is you're attempting to do?: "Move along Ollie, we're just taking it in for repainting?"

7. What did the parents of the "Jones Boys" say when they heard about their sons creative endeavors?: "Look Chief, we know what they did was wrong and we told them to put that 'right back'!"

If you tried what the Jones boys did down here in our retirement community you'd have about 500 old-farts like me sitting around in lawn chairs, drinking prune juice, all ever so eager to tell you exactly what you were doing wrong.

Florida: Talahassee:

" The states reward program for citizens who report wildlife violations is expanding to include text messaging. Citizens have helped the Fish and Wild Life Conservation Commission catch thousands of violations over the past 30 years, beginning with a phone hotline, then online reporting."

Question: Which animal or fish learned how to drive and text?

The other day I saw a guy on Interstate 75 who was texting as he was driving and passing me doing about 85 mph.

I just assumed it was a Good Samaritan who was reporting his sightings of an offending Catfish to the Commission phone hotline.

You gotta love this country!